My 15 year old son is gainfully employed for the summer. It's a full-time 8 week job in the field he wants to pursue upon graduation. Unfortunately, when they set the start and end dates for this job, it complicated our original summer travel plans. And now, because we still have all the little ones, it really complicates things because I do HAVE to be back for the first day of school. (My legal family is being homeschooled so all I have to have for them to start is a computer.)
I really want to go home this summer. Every year my amazing mom and dad hold Cousins' Camp. Every year all the potty trained cousins age two and older come to Granny and Papa's house for a week of camp. They have picnics, go swimming and do all sorts of amazing camp activities. They cook. They take field trips. They play games. It is sooooo much fun!
If we couldn't go north, my kids would miss out on camp.
So my mom and my genius sister started plotting. They decided if I couldn't go north, they would come south. All the cousins wouldn't be here – but it'd be better than nothing.
I sent a text to Mr. Amazing this morning to get his opinion on this idea. He resigned that no, we probably couldn't go north this summer. Then he said, "As soon as Herman got that job, I knew I would be staying here this summer. We'll just have to go home over Christmas."
So I started plotting. If he was OK with having to stay on the face of the sun all summer, maybe I could go north.
I sent Mr. Amazing another text asking how he felt about that.
He said as long as I had arrangements for all the little ones he's totally OK with it.
This is where I need your help. How do I go about getting permission to take Dude and Dolly out of state?
Sure, they tell us that we get to treat this kids like family. We're supposed to include them in our activities. But here, it doesn't work that way. Shoot – we have to have permission from a judge to take the kids out of the county overnight. It's a huge pain in the neck.
So...who do I ask first?
The chain of command means that technically I'm supposed to ask Miss Supervisor for permission. She is then supposed to ask the lawyer. Who is then supposed to ask the judge.
But Miss Supervisor doesn't like me so much. She thinks I'm too attached to the cherubs. And the cherubs no longer have a lawyer. And I can't exactly go to the judge myself – besides, there's a new judge effective Friday and I have no idea who it is.
My Genius Sister had the idea that I could tie in a visit to Grandma in Dallas on our way up to Iowa. Maybe Miss Supervisor would be more game with things if I offered that up.
But do I really want to do that?!
I welcome any thoughts on this subject. I'm starting with y'all before I ask anyone involved in this case. I haven't even said anything to my mom yet. (Hi Mom!! I'm seeing what I can figure out here.) I'd love to hear how y'all think I should work The System with this request. I would have to get respite for Pumpkin because she can't miss her weekly visits. I don't think that would end up being a problem. All I have to do is figure out how to get approval for Dude and Dolly to visit my family for a couple weeks. My parents have passed a full background check (including FBI fingerprints). This shouldn't be that big of a deal. But I know if I don't work it just right, Miss Supervisor will tell me "no" and I'll be forced to put Dude and Dolly in respite if I want to go.
Tell me what you think...
Tuesday, May 29, 2012
Weekend visit recap
Leading up to Pumpkin's weekend visit was a 12 hour EEG that Pumpkin's mom attended last Thursday. This was the first time Mom had "unsupervised" contact with Pumpkin. Granted, Pumpkin was on video surveillance the entire time so it wasn't exactly unsupervised. But I didn't have to be there. (whew!)
However, Pumpkin's mom was late to the appointment. The following is a text conversation that took place during the day on Thursday.
As you can tell, I don't speak Spanish. From what I figured out via Google Translator and some friends, Pumpkin's mom was trying to get someone to call her. The last line states, "To asshole, to you I do not speak."
Accckkk!!!
After much thought I decided that Pumpkin's mom seriously thought the entire time she was texting someone else. OR she honestly can't read English (even though I used my actual name in the conversation). OR...maybe she was drunk and didn't know anything she was doing.
At any rate -- and why this is part of the weekend visit post -- I decided I wasn't comfortable dropping Pumpkin off all by myself on Friday night. Rainbow met with me so I wouldn't have to do it alone. I did not want to be responsible for making sure Pumpkin's mom understood all the medications and expectations. Having Rainbow there helped ensure everything was on the up and up.
Pumpkin didn't understand where we were going. Her mom had moved since Pumpkin was last home so Pumpkin didn't recognize where we were at. When we got to the door and Mom answered, Pumpkin was genuinely surprised. She was happy though.
Mom listened to all I had to say. I'm not convinced she fully understood. Her teenaged daughter was close by though and heard everything as well.
The weekend seemed very strange to me. I enjoyed not having to deal with Pumpkin. I'll be honest. I was quite nice!! But it was all very strange. I'm not done caring for Pumpkin. In fact, if she ends up having a seizure at her mom's house her mom is instructed to call me first and then CPS. I'm still the medical consentor. I would have to go to the hospital to sign paperwork and all. (I'm not trapped at home though over the weekends. Our licensing agency is the back-up consentor so they could handle things if I wasn't around.)
Driving to pick Pumpkin up elevated my anxiety Sunday night. It's weird thinking about driving to someone else's house to pick up their kid. It's not like we're friends and all in agreement here. I was nervous!!!
The pick-up was uneventful though. There were a few questionable things but nothing any legal system is going to give a damn about. Still, I'm going to document everything and save my report for CPS to read.
Pumpkin took one look at me and screamed, "NO," as soon as she saw me in her house. Then she pointed at me, looked at her mom, then looked back at me and screamed, "GOODBYE"! I walked over to Pumpkin to take her hand and she crumpled to the floor much like a 2 year old would do. I picked her up and put her on my hip. She fussed and hollered but I carried her outside.
Pumpkin settled down once in my vehicle. She was so depressed though. You could see it all over her face. I didn't know if she had eaten dinner but she refused food when I offered her things once we were back to my house. She played for a bit and then I went about the bedtime routine.
Monday morning was uneventful as well. Again, Pumpkin seemed very sad. But she cooperated with the typical school routine and I dropped her off without issue.
Once at school though Pumpkin ramped up her behaviors. (School has always been horribly wishy washy and they've given in to Pumpkin's fits in the past.) While outside first thing in the morning Pumpkin literally laid down in the rocks at the playground and fell asleep. In the classroom she fell asleep standing up. Pumpkin was also very agitated and didn't want to cooperate with normal classroom activities. Because these can be seizure behaviors, the staff thought it necessary to take Pumpkin to the nurse. Pumpkin refused to cooperate. She screamed, yelled and threw a fit. She wouldn't walk to the nurse's room. She wouldn't cooperate with a basic vitals exam. So, the nurse called me.
I explained the situation to the nurse. There wasn't much to say though. It's up the school to make sure Pumpkin understands this behavior isn't acceptable. And since we only have one week of school left, I'm not going to worry about anything.
I checked in with the teacher later in the afternoon. She said that Pumpkin got a little better as the day progressed.
Our afternoon and evening routines went off without a hitch. I have never tolerated Pumpkin's fits. If she's out of control (which rarely happens) I will put her in the corner just like any other child of mine. I also tell her to, "knock it off," and then I completely ignore her fit. She figured out a long time ago she can't manipulate me with crying.
So, that is that. A whole lot of nothing to report. I must say though, I'm looking forward to Friday again. It's nice when every child in my home can wipe their own rear and speak up for themselves. Special needs parenting is not an easy task. I appreciate the break!! And I have decided that I'm going to keep on praying hard for Pumpkin's mom to succeed. While I seriously don't think anything has changed since Pumpkin originally came in to care, I have to pray for a miracle. I know that Pumpkin wants to be back home more than anything. And I don't think the State is going to make a case against Pumpkin's mom (unless she seriously screws up one of these weekends). So, I have to pray that Pumpkin's mom has learned a few things about how to care for Pumpkin appropriately. Prayer is all I've got. Foster parenting certainly keeps me on my knees!!
SIDENOTE:
When I picked Pumpkin up from her EEG Thursday night I did call her mom out on the text. Once outside by my car I said, "This is really awkward, but did you mean to call me an asshole or was that text meant for someone else?"
Pumpkin's mom looked mortified. She immediately said that she didn't have my number. I showed her the text on my phone. Then she tried to mumble something about someone else having her phone so I pointed out where she said she was at the clinic with Pumpkin and they were watching cartoons.
Pumpkin's mom never gave me much of an answer. She didn't know what to say at all! Which leads me back to my three theories. Either one would work but she didn't own up to anything. She just mumbled a lot and kept insisting that she didn't have my number.
I'm glad I said something. I'm sure she's not my biggest fan. But it's a lot easier if we can just pretend that we get along.
However, Pumpkin's mom was late to the appointment. The following is a text conversation that took place during the day on Thursday.
Me: Are you coming to the EEG?
Mom: didn't text me back but arrived about 15 minutes later.
At 7:41 she sent me a text.
Mom: Ya estoy en la clinica con Pumpkin
Me: ???
Mom: Estamos viendo cartoons
I decided to just not respond as it appeared she wasn't sure who she was talking with.
At 11:18 she sent me another text. This is how the conversation went:
Mom: Te necesito hablame
Me: This is Mamma L***'s number. Sorry, but I don't speak Spanish.
Mom: Hablame
Me: Are you meaning to text ME?
Mom: Si puedes hablar et tel. Estava ocupado hablame
Me: I don't speak Spanish.
Mom: Como estava ocupado ahorita
Me: I don't think you are texting the right person. This is Pumpkin's foster mom!
Mom: A culero a mi no me puedes hablar ?
Me: Lovely. Just lovely.
As you can tell, I don't speak Spanish. From what I figured out via Google Translator and some friends, Pumpkin's mom was trying to get someone to call her. The last line states, "To asshole, to you I do not speak."
Accckkk!!!
After much thought I decided that Pumpkin's mom seriously thought the entire time she was texting someone else. OR she honestly can't read English (even though I used my actual name in the conversation). OR...maybe she was drunk and didn't know anything she was doing.
At any rate -- and why this is part of the weekend visit post -- I decided I wasn't comfortable dropping Pumpkin off all by myself on Friday night. Rainbow met with me so I wouldn't have to do it alone. I did not want to be responsible for making sure Pumpkin's mom understood all the medications and expectations. Having Rainbow there helped ensure everything was on the up and up.
Pumpkin didn't understand where we were going. Her mom had moved since Pumpkin was last home so Pumpkin didn't recognize where we were at. When we got to the door and Mom answered, Pumpkin was genuinely surprised. She was happy though.
Mom listened to all I had to say. I'm not convinced she fully understood. Her teenaged daughter was close by though and heard everything as well.
The weekend seemed very strange to me. I enjoyed not having to deal with Pumpkin. I'll be honest. I was quite nice!! But it was all very strange. I'm not done caring for Pumpkin. In fact, if she ends up having a seizure at her mom's house her mom is instructed to call me first and then CPS. I'm still the medical consentor. I would have to go to the hospital to sign paperwork and all. (I'm not trapped at home though over the weekends. Our licensing agency is the back-up consentor so they could handle things if I wasn't around.)
Driving to pick Pumpkin up elevated my anxiety Sunday night. It's weird thinking about driving to someone else's house to pick up their kid. It's not like we're friends and all in agreement here. I was nervous!!!
The pick-up was uneventful though. There were a few questionable things but nothing any legal system is going to give a damn about. Still, I'm going to document everything and save my report for CPS to read.
Pumpkin took one look at me and screamed, "NO," as soon as she saw me in her house. Then she pointed at me, looked at her mom, then looked back at me and screamed, "GOODBYE"! I walked over to Pumpkin to take her hand and she crumpled to the floor much like a 2 year old would do. I picked her up and put her on my hip. She fussed and hollered but I carried her outside.
Pumpkin settled down once in my vehicle. She was so depressed though. You could see it all over her face. I didn't know if she had eaten dinner but she refused food when I offered her things once we were back to my house. She played for a bit and then I went about the bedtime routine.
Monday morning was uneventful as well. Again, Pumpkin seemed very sad. But she cooperated with the typical school routine and I dropped her off without issue.
Once at school though Pumpkin ramped up her behaviors. (School has always been horribly wishy washy and they've given in to Pumpkin's fits in the past.) While outside first thing in the morning Pumpkin literally laid down in the rocks at the playground and fell asleep. In the classroom she fell asleep standing up. Pumpkin was also very agitated and didn't want to cooperate with normal classroom activities. Because these can be seizure behaviors, the staff thought it necessary to take Pumpkin to the nurse. Pumpkin refused to cooperate. She screamed, yelled and threw a fit. She wouldn't walk to the nurse's room. She wouldn't cooperate with a basic vitals exam. So, the nurse called me.
I explained the situation to the nurse. There wasn't much to say though. It's up the school to make sure Pumpkin understands this behavior isn't acceptable. And since we only have one week of school left, I'm not going to worry about anything.
I checked in with the teacher later in the afternoon. She said that Pumpkin got a little better as the day progressed.
Our afternoon and evening routines went off without a hitch. I have never tolerated Pumpkin's fits. If she's out of control (which rarely happens) I will put her in the corner just like any other child of mine. I also tell her to, "knock it off," and then I completely ignore her fit. She figured out a long time ago she can't manipulate me with crying.
So, that is that. A whole lot of nothing to report. I must say though, I'm looking forward to Friday again. It's nice when every child in my home can wipe their own rear and speak up for themselves. Special needs parenting is not an easy task. I appreciate the break!! And I have decided that I'm going to keep on praying hard for Pumpkin's mom to succeed. While I seriously don't think anything has changed since Pumpkin originally came in to care, I have to pray for a miracle. I know that Pumpkin wants to be back home more than anything. And I don't think the State is going to make a case against Pumpkin's mom (unless she seriously screws up one of these weekends). So, I have to pray that Pumpkin's mom has learned a few things about how to care for Pumpkin appropriately. Prayer is all I've got. Foster parenting certainly keeps me on my knees!!
SIDENOTE:
When I picked Pumpkin up from her EEG Thursday night I did call her mom out on the text. Once outside by my car I said, "This is really awkward, but did you mean to call me an asshole or was that text meant for someone else?"
Pumpkin's mom looked mortified. She immediately said that she didn't have my number. I showed her the text on my phone. Then she tried to mumble something about someone else having her phone so I pointed out where she said she was at the clinic with Pumpkin and they were watching cartoons.
Pumpkin's mom never gave me much of an answer. She didn't know what to say at all! Which leads me back to my three theories. Either one would work but she didn't own up to anything. She just mumbled a lot and kept insisting that she didn't have my number.
I'm glad I said something. I'm sure she's not my biggest fan. But it's a lot easier if we can just pretend that we get along.
Friday, May 25, 2012
Weekend visit
I dropped Pumpkin off an hour ago. It was rather uneventful. I told Pumpkin we were going to see Mommy but that didn't mean much to her. And since we went to a place that Pumpkin didn't recognize, she was unresponsive during the whole trip. When her mom opened the door Pumpkin perked up and said, "Mommy". She looked back at me and pointed. It was almost like, "Hey Mamma L***...there's my mom." I smiled and said, "I told you Pumpkin, we are going to see Mommy."
I went over the medicine with Pumpkin's mom. I had to explain things very carefully. I'm not sure she understood me. I showed her how to fill out the med logs. It will be interesting to see if she can actually do it or if she'll have her older kids do it for her. I won't know until Sunday when I pick Pumpkin up.
Now what do I do?
Do I pray that Pumpkin stays safe?
Because if that happens, Pumpkin will go back home in August for sure.
Do I pray that Pumpkin's mom screws up?
Wow. That doesn't seem quite right.
This feels so weird. I don't "miss" Pumpkin. I don't mean to sound harsh -- but I'm not exactly madly in love with Pumpkin. She's a difficult kid to love. She doesn't respond to most things I say to her. She refuses eye contact. She can't talk. And most of the time she tries as hard as she can to avoid me all together.
That means I've got a 42 pound infant that hates my guts. She doesn't throw a lot of fits or tantrums. (And Lord I'm praying these visits don't trigger any!) But she requires so much work on my end. I have to do every single personal care thing that she requires. And if there is something she can do on her own, she does it so painfully slow that it's challenging. (Eating a bowl of cereal can take her 45 minutes sometimes. Putting on a pair of pants can take 5 minutes.)
So I don't miss her.
But I don't exactly like the idea of these visits either. And I certainly don't trust that Mom can keep her safe long-term at all!!
This case is such a mess. I liked the idea of Pumpkin going to live with her aunt and uncle so much better than what is happening now. I guess all I can really do is simply pray God's will is done and wait until Sunday night.
I went over the medicine with Pumpkin's mom. I had to explain things very carefully. I'm not sure she understood me. I showed her how to fill out the med logs. It will be interesting to see if she can actually do it or if she'll have her older kids do it for her. I won't know until Sunday when I pick Pumpkin up.
Now what do I do?
Do I pray that Pumpkin stays safe?
Because if that happens, Pumpkin will go back home in August for sure.
Do I pray that Pumpkin's mom screws up?
Wow. That doesn't seem quite right.
This feels so weird. I don't "miss" Pumpkin. I don't mean to sound harsh -- but I'm not exactly madly in love with Pumpkin. She's a difficult kid to love. She doesn't respond to most things I say to her. She refuses eye contact. She can't talk. And most of the time she tries as hard as she can to avoid me all together.
That means I've got a 42 pound infant that hates my guts. She doesn't throw a lot of fits or tantrums. (And Lord I'm praying these visits don't trigger any!) But she requires so much work on my end. I have to do every single personal care thing that she requires. And if there is something she can do on her own, she does it so painfully slow that it's challenging. (Eating a bowl of cereal can take her 45 minutes sometimes. Putting on a pair of pants can take 5 minutes.)
So I don't miss her.
But I don't exactly like the idea of these visits either. And I certainly don't trust that Mom can keep her safe long-term at all!!
This case is such a mess. I liked the idea of Pumpkin going to live with her aunt and uncle so much better than what is happening now. I guess all I can really do is simply pray God's will is done and wait until Sunday night.
No lawyers
Rainbow just left from a home visit. All is well and there was little to report. The youngest cherubs are still processing their incredibly confusing visit from Miss Supervisor last week. But we are all doing just fine.
We went over the details of Pumpkin's weekend visits. I've been in contact with Bluebell about this as well. I've never had a child with unsupervised weekend visits before and I don't know all the rules down here.
Bluebell said I'm not supposed to provide anything. I did have to make an exception and I told all parties involved that I will be bringing the diapers and wipes. Pumpkin gets those from Medicaid and she deserves to have ones that fit. It's senseless to ask Mom to buy any additional diapers when I have more than enough.
Rainbow is going to come with me for the drop off in about 1.5 hours. I don't want to be held responsible for making sure Mom understands all of Pumpkin's medications (she just got two new ones for a scalp infection). I'm glad I'm getting a little extra support this first time around. I'm a little "weirded out" by having to go to Pumpkin's house. (Which by the way, I don't think Pumpkin has ever been to as I'm pretty sure Mom moved since she was home last time.)
The biggest news from this home visit is about the legal system where we live. I had been told that the lawyer covering Dude & Dolly's case is no longer going to carry any cases from that county. I just assumed that a new lawyer or group of lawyers was going to be hired.
Well, it seems I was wrong. As of now, there are no lawyers in place for any of the cases in that particular county. And Rainbow said we could expect the lawyers in our home county to stop working with CPS as well.
Rainbow has NO IDEA what this really means. Who will be advocating for these children?! Will it simply be up to CPS and the judge to go back and forth?! Oh my. The thought of that scares me to death.
Rainbow said she'll keep me posted after they have court a few times next month - when I believe this whole transition will take place.
I can't wait to hear how it's going to work. Because not only will there be no lawyers, but there will be a new judge as well. I have a feeling it's going to be nothing short of a disaster.
We went over the details of Pumpkin's weekend visits. I've been in contact with Bluebell about this as well. I've never had a child with unsupervised weekend visits before and I don't know all the rules down here.
Bluebell said I'm not supposed to provide anything. I did have to make an exception and I told all parties involved that I will be bringing the diapers and wipes. Pumpkin gets those from Medicaid and she deserves to have ones that fit. It's senseless to ask Mom to buy any additional diapers when I have more than enough.
Rainbow is going to come with me for the drop off in about 1.5 hours. I don't want to be held responsible for making sure Mom understands all of Pumpkin's medications (she just got two new ones for a scalp infection). I'm glad I'm getting a little extra support this first time around. I'm a little "weirded out" by having to go to Pumpkin's house. (Which by the way, I don't think Pumpkin has ever been to as I'm pretty sure Mom moved since she was home last time.)
The biggest news from this home visit is about the legal system where we live. I had been told that the lawyer covering Dude & Dolly's case is no longer going to carry any cases from that county. I just assumed that a new lawyer or group of lawyers was going to be hired.
Well, it seems I was wrong. As of now, there are no lawyers in place for any of the cases in that particular county. And Rainbow said we could expect the lawyers in our home county to stop working with CPS as well.
Rainbow has NO IDEA what this really means. Who will be advocating for these children?! Will it simply be up to CPS and the judge to go back and forth?! Oh my. The thought of that scares me to death.
Rainbow said she'll keep me posted after they have court a few times next month - when I believe this whole transition will take place.
I can't wait to hear how it's going to work. Because not only will there be no lawyers, but there will be a new judge as well. I have a feeling it's going to be nothing short of a disaster.
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Crying for Mommy
I'm a firm believer in -- if you know what your triggers are, they can be easier to manage.
To help hold myself accountable, I'm going to share a new trigger of mine.
You see, people say I must have tons of patience. I do have six children after all. And one of those kids has severe special needs. I must be some kind of saint.
That couldn't be further from the truth!!
I've struggled with a short temper my entire life. No, I don't go off and whack my kids around. But I am a yeller by nature. And no, I'm not hollering obscenities or cruel things toward my children. But I do raise my voice. It's NOT something I'm proud of. I've been working for years at changing my behavior. Thankfully, even Mr. Amazing will say I've made progress. My children, probably not so much. But then again, I am known as a mean mommy because I actually have expectations of my children.
When I'm on my game I will stop, center myself and then whisper. That one change can make all the difference in the world. When I stop and whisper I am making a conscious choice to not let my anger get the best of me.
Try it. When you're angry do the opposite of what you WANT to do. For me, that means I need to whisper. And when I'm quiet, my kids are much more likely to listen to what I have to say.
Anyway...back to my new trigger...
Dolly and Dude had to go to daycare yesterday. They detest daycare on a very deep level. Dolly doesn't freak out anymore. But she doesn't like it. Dude hates it tremendously. (Dude was outside this morning singing a song he made up, "no more daycare...no more daycare," because I told them they will be home the rest of the week with me.) He freaks out every single time I drop him off. Then, he'll freak out multiple times during his stay. Then...he is a little off kilter the next day or so.
I don't mean that he's crying all the time. The difference is subtle. But one of the key behaviors is the inability to get engaged with toys or activities.
So today Dude and Dolly are off kilter. It's been a stressful couple of weeks. I'm sure all of this is not because of daycare alone. They had court. The visit with Miss Supervisor was confusing. Pumpkin had court. etc. etc. Dude and Dolly are picking at each other. Dolly is being particularly bossy. Dude is whining and fussing back at Dolly. It's annoying to say the least!
I warned them once that if they didn't stop fighting they were going to be separated. One child would play upstairs and one would play on the main level. "OK Mommy," was the response.
Sure enough, they got along for about all of 15 minutes. Then the whining took over again.
I hollered for Dude to come downstairs.
All the way down the steps he screamed a pathetic cry. Then he started in with my new trigger. He just wailed, "Mommy," over and over and over.
It's a normal response. Lots of kids want their mommy when they are upset. And Dude wants me. Every now and then his "mommy" will be for his first mommy. But most of the time he wants me. I can tell the difference in the same way a mom can tell the difference between a gassy cry of an infant and a hungry cry.
I hate myself for this being a trigger. But it is what it is.
Deep down I want to scream back at him -- I don't GET to be your mommy. The stupid system won't let me. So you had better just cowboy up and stop your screaming. It's not going to get you anything but pain and heartache.
I don't say this. Honest I don't.
But I didn't have the most stellar of mommy moments a few minutes ago.
So I'm owning up to my trigger online. I'm going to work on it. Next time he starts screaming for mommy I'm going to do my best to stop - and even if he's being reprimanded for something he did wrong - I'm going to scoop him up and hold him. It breaks my heart when he cries for me and I can't punish him for it. I'm just going to have to trust that his grandma will hold him when he cries after he gets to Dallas. Hope is all I've got. But it is MY responsibility to hold him now. Even when it hurts or makes me angry.
To help hold myself accountable, I'm going to share a new trigger of mine.
You see, people say I must have tons of patience. I do have six children after all. And one of those kids has severe special needs. I must be some kind of saint.
That couldn't be further from the truth!!
I've struggled with a short temper my entire life. No, I don't go off and whack my kids around. But I am a yeller by nature. And no, I'm not hollering obscenities or cruel things toward my children. But I do raise my voice. It's NOT something I'm proud of. I've been working for years at changing my behavior. Thankfully, even Mr. Amazing will say I've made progress. My children, probably not so much. But then again, I am known as a mean mommy because I actually have expectations of my children.
When I'm on my game I will stop, center myself and then whisper. That one change can make all the difference in the world. When I stop and whisper I am making a conscious choice to not let my anger get the best of me.
Try it. When you're angry do the opposite of what you WANT to do. For me, that means I need to whisper. And when I'm quiet, my kids are much more likely to listen to what I have to say.
Anyway...back to my new trigger...
Dolly and Dude had to go to daycare yesterday. They detest daycare on a very deep level. Dolly doesn't freak out anymore. But she doesn't like it. Dude hates it tremendously. (Dude was outside this morning singing a song he made up, "no more daycare...no more daycare," because I told them they will be home the rest of the week with me.) He freaks out every single time I drop him off. Then, he'll freak out multiple times during his stay. Then...he is a little off kilter the next day or so.
I don't mean that he's crying all the time. The difference is subtle. But one of the key behaviors is the inability to get engaged with toys or activities.
So today Dude and Dolly are off kilter. It's been a stressful couple of weeks. I'm sure all of this is not because of daycare alone. They had court. The visit with Miss Supervisor was confusing. Pumpkin had court. etc. etc. Dude and Dolly are picking at each other. Dolly is being particularly bossy. Dude is whining and fussing back at Dolly. It's annoying to say the least!
I warned them once that if they didn't stop fighting they were going to be separated. One child would play upstairs and one would play on the main level. "OK Mommy," was the response.
Sure enough, they got along for about all of 15 minutes. Then the whining took over again.
I hollered for Dude to come downstairs.
All the way down the steps he screamed a pathetic cry. Then he started in with my new trigger. He just wailed, "Mommy," over and over and over.
It's a normal response. Lots of kids want their mommy when they are upset. And Dude wants me. Every now and then his "mommy" will be for his first mommy. But most of the time he wants me. I can tell the difference in the same way a mom can tell the difference between a gassy cry of an infant and a hungry cry.
I hate myself for this being a trigger. But it is what it is.
Deep down I want to scream back at him -- I don't GET to be your mommy. The stupid system won't let me. So you had better just cowboy up and stop your screaming. It's not going to get you anything but pain and heartache.
I don't say this. Honest I don't.
But I didn't have the most stellar of mommy moments a few minutes ago.
So I'm owning up to my trigger online. I'm going to work on it. Next time he starts screaming for mommy I'm going to do my best to stop - and even if he's being reprimanded for something he did wrong - I'm going to scoop him up and hold him. It breaks my heart when he cries for me and I can't punish him for it. I'm just going to have to trust that his grandma will hold him when he cries after he gets to Dallas. Hope is all I've got. But it is MY responsibility to hold him now. Even when it hurts or makes me angry.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Get a plan people
I've sat in enough court hearings now to know that the CPS judge in our county wants the professionals involved to come to him with a PLAN. And yet, I sat in another hearing this morning where all the professionals were hardly prepared and no one had a "plan".
Pumpkin and I arrived just before the hearing. CPS sent me to the wrong building first so I wasn't particularly early. I still managed to get there before both lawyers for Pumpkin arrived. And no, neither one of them bothered to make contact prior to these few minutes before our case was called.
Pumpkin's lawyer was first. We had to go over again that Pumpkin is non-verbal. Because Pumpkin cannot speak about her own wants, this lawyer can do little in court other than argue specific legal issues. She takes a back seat to Pumpkin's guardian ad litem.
NOTE: Pumpkin's lawyer is/was also the lawyer for Dude & Dolly. She talked to me just a bit about Pumpkin and then switched things over to discussing her leaving the babies' case. I told her what Miss Supervisor did the other day. She was just as disgusted as I am! Unfortunately, there is nothing she can do about it. She offered to "talk to somebody" - but I knew it was an empty promise so I said it's not necessary. Bluebell (Pumpkin's CPS worker) thinks I should report Miss Supervisor. I'm not sure that's a good idea either. I think that would be a good way to get the babies pulled from my home sooner and placed with another foster family instead.
Anyway -- back to Pumpkin and court...
Pumpkin's guardian came to talk to me second. I told her things are still the same as always. Then, because I've had the conversation in my head about a million times and I know what I say has to be short and to the point, I told the guardian this: "If the removal in September was valid because Pumpkin's mom abused her again...what has changed since then?!" The guardian agreed and went to go talk to the other professionals. Court was called quickly.
The first thing the judge did was ask why we were all there. The person speaking for CPS was someone I didn't recognize. Bluebell was there but she didn't speak to the judge directly. It was not a smooth, coordinated effort for sure.
CPS stated that they wanted the State to maintain guardianship of Pumpkin. But, they wanted Pumpkin to go home. They said they would "help with the transition".
Pumpkins attorney had to defer to the guardian because Pumpkin is non-verbal so it's up to the guardian to handle things. Pumpkin's guardian expressed concern about Pumpkin going home.
And the tennis match began.
Back and forth with no one saying much of anything.
Pumpkin's mom's lawyer said that Mom had learned the error of her ways and knows now that Pumpkin needs to see the doctor regularly and needs to take her medicine.
CPS just said they would help with the transition.
The judge was NOT impressed. He went off on CPS and asked what their plan was. Exactly what were they going to do to help with this transition??!!
CPS had no answer. Literally - no answer. They pretty much just stood there and mumbled. Granted, the woman speaking for CPS knows nothing of this case. She couldn't speak off the cuff as to what kind of help Mom might need. But honestly, they didn't have a plan. They were just going to send her home.
The guardian stood up and said something along the lines of, "Judge, this child went home in September and then came back in to care just 11 days later. It takes a lot to care for Pumpkin and I don't think Mom has the ability to do it."
(Wow! My words!!)
A little more tennis match took place.
Then the guardian addressed the judge and, using words from the letter I had prepared beforehand that I guess she ended up getting a copy from CPS of -- that I really wanted to go over with her in person but she never scheduled the meeting -- told the judge that she's concerned about the level of neglect that happened to Pumpkin in the 5.5 years before Pumpkin actually came in to care.
(Wow. My words again. I guess I'm part lawyer in this case now too.)
The judge actually heard what the guardian said and rephrased, "So what you're saying is, yes...Mom has completed all the things CPS told her to do. But Mom still doesn't know which way the wind blows and you don't think Mom can take care of Pumpkin."
I practically had to bite my tongue from screaming out, "YES! That's it precisely!!"
Eventually everyone agreed that Pumpkin would go home for extended, unsupervised weekend visits. No one had a plan and this was at least something they all decided to agree on. The judge wouldn't even entertain the idea of Pumpkin being placed with her aunt and uncle in El Paso. And since there was no plan in place to begin with, this was better than nothing.
I'm not sure how I feel about things. Yes, it's better than Pumpkin just plain going home. The judge was right when he said that CPS really wouldn't DO anything to help during the transition. I think it's sad there is family willing to adopt this child and they aren't being considered. I don't think reunification is the safest thing for Pumpkin at all.
But it is what it is. I will drop Pumpkin off at her mom's on Friday night and pick her up on Sunday night. I'm to keep a detailed log of what I see at the home and how Pumpkin responds. CPS has assured me they will be making random unannounced visits while Pumpkin is there.
More than anything I'm glad to be done with court for awhile. Life can go back to the usual amount of crazy. We'll adjust to the new normal of having Pumpkin gone over the weekend. I personally don't think it will be too hard on Pumpkin. Dude and Dolly will be more confused than anyone. But we'll get through.
I think it's time to actually plan our next trip to Sea World!! I need a break!!
Pumpkin and I arrived just before the hearing. CPS sent me to the wrong building first so I wasn't particularly early. I still managed to get there before both lawyers for Pumpkin arrived. And no, neither one of them bothered to make contact prior to these few minutes before our case was called.
Pumpkin's lawyer was first. We had to go over again that Pumpkin is non-verbal. Because Pumpkin cannot speak about her own wants, this lawyer can do little in court other than argue specific legal issues. She takes a back seat to Pumpkin's guardian ad litem.
NOTE: Pumpkin's lawyer is/was also the lawyer for Dude & Dolly. She talked to me just a bit about Pumpkin and then switched things over to discussing her leaving the babies' case. I told her what Miss Supervisor did the other day. She was just as disgusted as I am! Unfortunately, there is nothing she can do about it. She offered to "talk to somebody" - but I knew it was an empty promise so I said it's not necessary. Bluebell (Pumpkin's CPS worker) thinks I should report Miss Supervisor. I'm not sure that's a good idea either. I think that would be a good way to get the babies pulled from my home sooner and placed with another foster family instead.
Anyway -- back to Pumpkin and court...
Pumpkin's guardian came to talk to me second. I told her things are still the same as always. Then, because I've had the conversation in my head about a million times and I know what I say has to be short and to the point, I told the guardian this: "If the removal in September was valid because Pumpkin's mom abused her again...what has changed since then?!" The guardian agreed and went to go talk to the other professionals. Court was called quickly.
The first thing the judge did was ask why we were all there. The person speaking for CPS was someone I didn't recognize. Bluebell was there but she didn't speak to the judge directly. It was not a smooth, coordinated effort for sure.
CPS stated that they wanted the State to maintain guardianship of Pumpkin. But, they wanted Pumpkin to go home. They said they would "help with the transition".
Pumpkins attorney had to defer to the guardian because Pumpkin is non-verbal so it's up to the guardian to handle things. Pumpkin's guardian expressed concern about Pumpkin going home.
And the tennis match began.
Back and forth with no one saying much of anything.
Pumpkin's mom's lawyer said that Mom had learned the error of her ways and knows now that Pumpkin needs to see the doctor regularly and needs to take her medicine.
CPS just said they would help with the transition.
The judge was NOT impressed. He went off on CPS and asked what their plan was. Exactly what were they going to do to help with this transition??!!
CPS had no answer. Literally - no answer. They pretty much just stood there and mumbled. Granted, the woman speaking for CPS knows nothing of this case. She couldn't speak off the cuff as to what kind of help Mom might need. But honestly, they didn't have a plan. They were just going to send her home.
The guardian stood up and said something along the lines of, "Judge, this child went home in September and then came back in to care just 11 days later. It takes a lot to care for Pumpkin and I don't think Mom has the ability to do it."
(Wow! My words!!)
A little more tennis match took place.
Then the guardian addressed the judge and, using words from the letter I had prepared beforehand that I guess she ended up getting a copy from CPS of -- that I really wanted to go over with her in person but she never scheduled the meeting -- told the judge that she's concerned about the level of neglect that happened to Pumpkin in the 5.5 years before Pumpkin actually came in to care.
(Wow. My words again. I guess I'm part lawyer in this case now too.)
The judge actually heard what the guardian said and rephrased, "So what you're saying is, yes...Mom has completed all the things CPS told her to do. But Mom still doesn't know which way the wind blows and you don't think Mom can take care of Pumpkin."
I practically had to bite my tongue from screaming out, "YES! That's it precisely!!"
Eventually everyone agreed that Pumpkin would go home for extended, unsupervised weekend visits. No one had a plan and this was at least something they all decided to agree on. The judge wouldn't even entertain the idea of Pumpkin being placed with her aunt and uncle in El Paso. And since there was no plan in place to begin with, this was better than nothing.
I'm not sure how I feel about things. Yes, it's better than Pumpkin just plain going home. The judge was right when he said that CPS really wouldn't DO anything to help during the transition. I think it's sad there is family willing to adopt this child and they aren't being considered. I don't think reunification is the safest thing for Pumpkin at all.
But it is what it is. I will drop Pumpkin off at her mom's on Friday night and pick her up on Sunday night. I'm to keep a detailed log of what I see at the home and how Pumpkin responds. CPS has assured me they will be making random unannounced visits while Pumpkin is there.
More than anything I'm glad to be done with court for awhile. Life can go back to the usual amount of crazy. We'll adjust to the new normal of having Pumpkin gone over the weekend. I personally don't think it will be too hard on Pumpkin. Dude and Dolly will be more confused than anyone. But we'll get through.
I think it's time to actually plan our next trip to Sea World!! I need a break!!
Sunday, May 20, 2012
I suck at waiting
Maybe the babies staying in Care is a good thing. So many people are happy when I tell them, "they didn't go to Dallas...again". People say, "Oh good, now you have more time with the children". Maybe there is a good reason they are still in Care. Maybe.
It sounds nice on paper. But it just isn't sitting right with me.
Yes. Wonderful things have happened to these children as a result of coming in to care.
• Dolly got all her teeth fixed. And oh were they bad before she came to me.
• Both kids got all their vaccinations. They are healthy.
• Dolly got in speech therapy. Granted, she had to learn a new language because we don't speak Spanish. But she's done wonderfully. In fact, just last week her therapist said she only wants to work on a couple more skills and then it will be time to discharge her completely. Dolly not only learned a new language - but she made up for a year of developmental delay in the process!!
• Dude has learned how to love. He had been so ignored before he just didn't talk. All of his bio family keeps commenting on how much he talks now and how good he's doing.
Really, I could go on and on. The kids have made progress.
But the time table of it all is getting complicated now. They haven't seen their bio mom in over six months. They've never seen their bio dad. (At least not for well over a year anyway. Neither child understands they have a "first dad" as they didn't know what a daddy was until they came in to Care.) They've only seen their paternal grandma three times in the past year. They've only seen their maternal great-grandma a few more times than that. (I would love to do more with their great-grandma but I'm limited to what CPS will allow and they don't see value in this relationship because great-grandma can't take them and raise them.)
These children have integrated into our family. They've seen my parents (who live over 1200 miles away) three different times. My parents also talk to them on the phone and also send cards and gifts for holidays and special events. They've seen my sister only once but are madly in love with her and her children. When Miss Supervisor tried to tell Dude & Dolly they have cousins this past Thursday Dude responded, "I know. I've got Max and Emmet. And Josh and Julie and Jacob." He's never met three of these kids but he knows they are part of HIS family. Miss Supervisor was surprised he knew his cousins' names and then irritated when I explained they are members of my family.
I'm frustrated. I feel so torn. I want to grab on to these next few months and live them up. In the same breath, I want to separate myself from the children on an intimate level. (I've got to stop day dreaming about the future!!) I know part of my feelings are stemming from the fact that I'm hurt. Deep down I know that adoption isn't going to be an option and it's going to hurt like Hell when these kids get ripped from my family. But I know most of anger towards things is because I know what it's going to do to the children and I hate being a part of this kind of hurt.
Miss Supervisor indicated (very, very subtlety) that maybe the kids shouldn't stay with us. I informed her that a broken attachment is better than no attachment at all. I also offered to provide her with scientific proof that children NEED attachment in order to prevent mental illness (RAD). I told her that I'm going to be just fine and this is the best place for the kids.
I believe that will all my heart.
But this is still so hard!!
How do I handle conversations now? The children WANT to stay with us. Do I continue to encourage them to tell the lawyers, therapists, and social workers what they want? Or, has the time come that I need to remove this as an option again and talk up all the wonders of Dallas? Their lawyer will only "fight" for the kids to stay here if the children express this desire. But I'm worried that letting that be an option is only setting them up for a bigger hurt.
I can't make any promises about Dallas. I don't know if their grandma is going to love them the way we do. I don't know who they will see and spend time with there. But I can talk about it in a positive way in simple generalities.
We're not going to intervene. I don't have that kind of money laying around ($10-20K). I also wouldn't feel right explaining it to the kids when they got older. I can't be a part of "stealing" them from their family.
But I could call their lawyer now – the one that helped keep them in my house three different times. I could call their new lawyer (if I'm ever told who it is). I could press things with the therapist. I could encourage the children to tell everyone they want to stay with us.
Or I can sit back and let it fall in the hands of God. And just love on the kids.
I'm a do-er. I hate sitting back and waiting. I really suck at it.
But now that I've rambled on for a whole blog post that I wrote as I went along – I'm pretty sure that's what I'm supposed to do.
It sounds nice on paper. But it just isn't sitting right with me.
Yes. Wonderful things have happened to these children as a result of coming in to care.
• Dolly got all her teeth fixed. And oh were they bad before she came to me.
• Both kids got all their vaccinations. They are healthy.
• Dolly got in speech therapy. Granted, she had to learn a new language because we don't speak Spanish. But she's done wonderfully. In fact, just last week her therapist said she only wants to work on a couple more skills and then it will be time to discharge her completely. Dolly not only learned a new language - but she made up for a year of developmental delay in the process!!
• Dude has learned how to love. He had been so ignored before he just didn't talk. All of his bio family keeps commenting on how much he talks now and how good he's doing.
Really, I could go on and on. The kids have made progress.
But the time table of it all is getting complicated now. They haven't seen their bio mom in over six months. They've never seen their bio dad. (At least not for well over a year anyway. Neither child understands they have a "first dad" as they didn't know what a daddy was until they came in to Care.) They've only seen their paternal grandma three times in the past year. They've only seen their maternal great-grandma a few more times than that. (I would love to do more with their great-grandma but I'm limited to what CPS will allow and they don't see value in this relationship because great-grandma can't take them and raise them.)
These children have integrated into our family. They've seen my parents (who live over 1200 miles away) three different times. My parents also talk to them on the phone and also send cards and gifts for holidays and special events. They've seen my sister only once but are madly in love with her and her children. When Miss Supervisor tried to tell Dude & Dolly they have cousins this past Thursday Dude responded, "I know. I've got Max and Emmet. And Josh and Julie and Jacob." He's never met three of these kids but he knows they are part of HIS family. Miss Supervisor was surprised he knew his cousins' names and then irritated when I explained they are members of my family.
I'm frustrated. I feel so torn. I want to grab on to these next few months and live them up. In the same breath, I want to separate myself from the children on an intimate level. (I've got to stop day dreaming about the future!!) I know part of my feelings are stemming from the fact that I'm hurt. Deep down I know that adoption isn't going to be an option and it's going to hurt like Hell when these kids get ripped from my family. But I know most of anger towards things is because I know what it's going to do to the children and I hate being a part of this kind of hurt.
Miss Supervisor indicated (very, very subtlety) that maybe the kids shouldn't stay with us. I informed her that a broken attachment is better than no attachment at all. I also offered to provide her with scientific proof that children NEED attachment in order to prevent mental illness (RAD). I told her that I'm going to be just fine and this is the best place for the kids.
I believe that will all my heart.
But this is still so hard!!
How do I handle conversations now? The children WANT to stay with us. Do I continue to encourage them to tell the lawyers, therapists, and social workers what they want? Or, has the time come that I need to remove this as an option again and talk up all the wonders of Dallas? Their lawyer will only "fight" for the kids to stay here if the children express this desire. But I'm worried that letting that be an option is only setting them up for a bigger hurt.
I can't make any promises about Dallas. I don't know if their grandma is going to love them the way we do. I don't know who they will see and spend time with there. But I can talk about it in a positive way in simple generalities.
We're not going to intervene. I don't have that kind of money laying around ($10-20K). I also wouldn't feel right explaining it to the kids when they got older. I can't be a part of "stealing" them from their family.
But I could call their lawyer now – the one that helped keep them in my house three different times. I could call their new lawyer (if I'm ever told who it is). I could press things with the therapist. I could encourage the children to tell everyone they want to stay with us.
Or I can sit back and let it fall in the hands of God. And just love on the kids.
I'm a do-er. I hate sitting back and waiting. I really suck at it.
But now that I've rambled on for a whole blog post that I wrote as I went along – I'm pretty sure that's what I'm supposed to do.
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