Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Where do we go from here?

Things are getting ugly at our house. Everyone is feeling the stress our two foster daughters have brought with them to our home. It is sad and frightening, scary and angering, and so much more that I can't even begin to describe.

Like I said in my last post, I don't like the way I'm starting to feel all the time. I don't like the anger level that permeates everything and everyone. We always said that we wouldn't foster to the detriment of our existing family.

But I don't like the alternative either.

We are at a crossroads. Something HAS to change.

The girls are either going to need to be placed somewhere else. Or we are going to have to do something different in our house. I'm just not sure what that different thing will look like.

In the meantime, I'm waiting for a call from our agency. They have to know where we are at with this placement. I can't let it be a surprise to them if we have to disrupt.

I'm praying A LOT!

And, like always, I'm waiting.

Yesterday was an interesting day. Many horrible ugly things happened. There was lots of crying and yelling and stomping of the feet. Mr. Amazing and I have decided that the girls no longer will be allowed to play outside with friends. (The girls don't know this yet. Please pray for me at exactly 4:00 this afternoon when I have to tell them.) It appears that they truly can't handle that level of freedom. More and more this is turning into the strictest form of residential care possible. And I'm just not sure I can successfully pull off that kind of an environment and still give my own kids who are both younger and older than the foster kids what they need.

As I pray, I wait to hear an answer. I want more than anything to be within God's will for my life. As of right now, I don't think we're being told that we have to maintain this placement. However, I also got two interesting bits of encouragement that most certainly came straight from God.

1. I got a call from the speech pathologist at the school. This was a little strange because the kids didn't have school yesterday. I suppose the administration still worked. It just caught me off guard. It seems that TurtleTurtle used to attend speech therapy when she was in this district several years ago. Now that she's enrolled back in the district, they have to have a formal meeting to determine if she still needs therapy or not. During the conversation with the therapist, she thanked me for being a foster parent. I've never spoken with this woman before. She doesn't know me or my faith at all. However, the conversation quickly turned to her saying that God will bless us and that she will pray for us. That meant a lot to me! Just knowing that people all over are praying for us gives me great comfort when I need it most.

2. A friend from my past, who I haven't spoken with but one time in over two years called me out of the blue to wish me a happy birthday. My birthday isn't until November. Through our brief conversation I let her know that we are a foster family. She took time right then and there to pray for our family and for our little girls. Again, comfort right when I needed it.

So....since I don't think God is going to send me a detailed fax letting me know exactly how He wants me to handle this situation we're in...I guess I've got to make my own conclusions. For now, I've got to let our agency know how serious the behaviors are and how our family is barely hanging on at times. But it looks like I'm not supposed to throw the towel in on fostering in general.



jendoop said...

It's always darkest before the dawn? Sometimes it's true and sometimes it's not, or the dark night lasts a very long time. It definitely sounds as though something has to give. I really hope that your agency is a good one and gives you the support you need. You have to find a new normal.

Not to put a large burden on you, but those girls will have an even tougher time settling in at the next placement if you send them away from your home with no resolution. Every time a child is moved it effects them in a large way. This is a huge responsibility of foster parenting that few people talk about, but it's true. I feel that pressure more now that I have a child with me. He is a precious child of God and he deserves to feel some safety in this world even if it means some discomfort and sleepless nights for our family.

Here is a silver lining I realized today - the struggles of fostering bring wisdom and knowledge that make me a better person, and parent for my bio kids.

MamaFoster said...

i lived with that for 8 1/2 months.

i endured it because i didn't want to have him moved any more than he had to.

are your girls having visits? if it is looking like their parental rights are going to be terminated AND you know you wouldn't adopt them I would have them moved.

their next home could be their forever home.

after our little boy left it felt like i was FREE! I never regretted it at all. he was being placed in a family that wanted to adopt him so of corse that made it easier for me, but that last month or so i wanted to call it quits so much.

marythemom said...

I just found your blog so I haven't had a chance to read yet, but I wanted to comment anyway. We adopted emotionally disturbed children older than our biochildren and it is very hard. Especially when the kids start hitting puberty. Finding strong support is absolutely essential.

We were lucky that we didn't have to deal with the children sexually abusing family members (extremely lucky because we should have prepared for it but took an uneducated risk), but this is most definitely something you need to be totally aware of and prevent at all costs. There is a support group for adoptive parents of kids with sexual issues on someone's blog (Watching the Waters? I could look it up if you want). They would have a lot of good advice I'm sure.

Whatever decision you make, there are lots of good resources out there. Feel free to e-mail me privately (mbrush at austin dot rr dot com). Since I "met" you on another blog, I'm assuming you're getting linked in.

Hugs and prayers,
Mary in TX