Sunday, November 7, 2010

Big decision - more thoughts

A phrase from one of my favorite praise songs got stuck in my head this morning.

"He makes all things work together for my good."

Ugh. This is where I started to argue with God.

"Yeah. I know. I know that You will make all this turn out for good. I'd still like an answer God. I'd still like to know how You want me to handle this! Should the girls come back here? Or should they be moved to a home where the potential for acting out isn't as great?!"

Sometimes I wish God would just send me a fax. Maybe an email. Just tell me what He wants me to do. I'm totally OK with whatever it is. I just want to stay within the will of God.

The Bible tells me to take care of widows and orphans. The Bible also tells me to take care of my own family. Friends and family counsel me to definitely take care of those that are legally mine. The agency director tells me that I need to pray. She can't tell me what to do.

So, after much prayer and conversation with my husband (who just happens to be on a work detail thousands of miles away for the next few weeks), we have decided that we do have to disrupt this placement.

We want to remain in the girls' lives. I'd love to have them come back here to celebrate their birthdays (both are yet this month). I'd love to have them come over and play every now and then. It would just need to be in a time and place where I could devote all my attention to supervising them. I highly doubt that this is going to be possible. I'm not sure the girls would be able to understand why they can play here but why they can't live here anymore.

I'm sick to my stomach today. I wish this decision was a little more cut and dry. But ultimately, we can't risk the safety of our legal family. Now all I have to do is tell the agency and deal with the aftermath.

This sucks!


MamaFoster said...

i would hate that too but I would have made the same decision. you know, we have no idea about what all "triggers" these kids have and they made do better in a house that is structured differently.

maybe just having less kids, only one parent, or a different schedule might be a little thing that might help them a lot.

I always struggle with the thought of "who knows what kind of home the agency is going to put them!?!?!?!?" but who knows, if they TPR maybe the next home with adopt them.

jendoop said...

I had similar thoughts this weekend, wondering why I couldn't get a lightening bolt answer. It came to me instantly that this will not happen because God respects our ability to choose. God wants us to follow him freely, not because he tells us exactly what to do, or because we're scared of Him. I believe God wants us to learn how to make choices, and the only way we can do that is by making them. Sometimes the answer will be less than ideal, but I believe that in things that really matter God will send a clear answer.

It could be you didn't get a lightening bolt type answer because God trusted you, knowing that you would make the right decision without all the fireworks.

The result of your answer, and the one I received, is that I have to leave this child in God's hands. I can't be so prideful to believe that I'm the only person who can help this child. God will lead them to other people who will meet their needs, probably even better than I can.

Maggie said...

Disruption is so hard.
We had to disrupt a placement of two boys because their physical aggression became so bad that it was not safe for my daughter and I. I know how difficult it is and the questions that keep streaming through your mind.
Praying for you!

Cheryl said...

"It could be you didn't get a lightening bolt type answer because God trusted you, knowing that you would make the right decision without all the fireworks. "
Jen said it perfectly. There is no doubt in my mind that you made the best choice for all parties involved.