Saturday, November 6, 2010

Big decision

As I've written before, our current foster placement is a HUGE challenge. Not just an adjustment...but the biggest challenge I've ever had to face. It has consumed me. The little girls that have been entrusted to us have suffered through the depths of hell. All I want for them is safety and healing. I'm doing all that I can to take care of our family; because as many of you know parenting children from the hurt places is a different kind of experience. I've read blogs. I've purchased books. I'm even starting therapy for myself on Monday.

The girls argue. The girls yell and scream. They tantrum. They hit, kick and scratch. They require a tremendous amount of monitoring. But, for the most part, all of their behaviors have been "normal". About 100x the amount of a typical child. But normal nonetheless. Especially when you factor in the hell that they have come through.

MissArguePants is the angriest person I've ever met. (She's also got the sweetest smile and gives the best hugs.) She deals with her stress by being angry though. Thus the nickname MissArguePants.

TurtleTurtle turns into a turtle when she gets stressed out. TurtleTurtle does not have an outlet for her deep seeded anger and shame. She goes deep inside herself.

However, TurtleTurtle acted out this morning.

On the surface, it could look like she was just "playing around". The whole incident took less than a couple minutes. But to me, it's a huge red flag that cannot be ignored. I had to call our agency.

I've discussed things with my boys. They say she has "acted out" before. (It'd be nice to go into detail but this blog just isn't private enough.) I've seen a couple things before today but nothing that concerned me too deeply. The acting out today though scared me. And after talking with the boys, it appears that it might have happened in small doses many, many times before. They just thought she was playing around.

The girls have been moved into emergency respite care. Due to the extreme nature of this case, everything is now up to us. Our social worker literally told me this week (before this happened) that she fully understands where we're at with things. "You can only put up with so much," she said. Now we have to decide if the girls will come back here or if we need to give our 30 day notice and have them stay in respite until they get moved to a different foster home for long-term care.

I want to keep all five kids safe. I just don't think I can do that anymore. I don't have eyes in the back of my head and I can't be in five places at once. The level of monitoring that I would feel is necessary is not something I can do.

I feel like shit today. I hate decisions like this!!


Cheryl said...

There are no words to fix this or make it easier on you, no matter what you decide. I've said it way too many times today but simply put, this sucks. Love you!

MamaFoster said...

make the best decision you can that is MOST concerned about YOUR family that is legally yours.

too many times people find out what it going on in their own home far too late and it is devastating.

it is terrible to have to make choices like this.

Mary said...

I think I'd have to agree with MamaFoster. Having said that, wishing you support because I'm sure it's not easy.