Monday, November 1, 2010

The book arrived

My copy of Beyond Consequences, Logic, and Control, by Heather T. Forbes and B. Bryan Post, arrived today. I picked it up about an hour ago and read through quite a bit of it.

Here's my review. And yes, I'm giving a review without completely reading the book. I do promise to go back and own up to anything big if I missed it.

Traditional attachment therapy says that as a parent I'm supposed to stay calm and in control of myself. Not lose my cool. Prove to the traumatized kid that I've got their back and that they're safe now. The safer they feel the more they will trust me the faster they will heal. Beyond Consequences says that their approach is different.

However, if I'm getting the whole "Beyond Consequences" thing, it says I'm supposed to understand where the root problems are with the negative behaviors. All negative behaviors are rooted in fear. Supposedly if I understand this, somehow I'll be able to keep myself in control. This knowledge, and how it applies to me and my past, will help me stay calm in the moment and not trigger a greater fear response from my child.

Ugh.

Either way it's all up to me to not lose my cool.

Sure, there are great stories and references in the book. And honestly I found the brain research information fascinating. But I already understand that trauma changes brain chemistry. I know that my children aren't "out to get me". I know that I need to be approachable. And in all cases, logical consequences are the best way to help our children learn to become fully functioning adults. I'm sure that when I sit down to read the book completely I will glean some more good strategies.

However, I still have to figure out a way to not let their behaviors trigger me. 'Cause I know this stuff... and they still rub me raw.

2 comments:

marythemom said...

Keep hanging in there!
Mary

marythemom said...

That's all we can do. Keep it in the forefront of our mind that they are afraid. Be aware of when we are being triggered and keep control of our emotions so we can help the child stay emotionally regulated. Working with the child at their emotional age not their chronological one.

Most importantly: take one day at a time, take care of ourselves and get lots of support because this is incredibly hard!

Mary in TX