Monday, October 10, 2011

I want to wallow

The court date in November is coming up closer than I want it to. November feels like it's so far away. But when I think about the two littlest cherubs leaving it's entirely too close for my comfort.

Dolly & Dude had a visit today with their mom. This is their third visit since removal in June. Thankfully Mom showed up all on her own today and was on time. However, Mom is not working ANY of her case plan and it is quite apparent that her children will not be going home to her.

Mom does not want her kids in foster care. (understandable) But the only family that can take them is a grandmother that lives quite far away. Mom is OK with this and even talked with the kids about it during today's visit.

I hate thinking about the permanency hearing. I know the judge is going to send the kids to their grandma. That's the way the system is supposed to work. This is all going exactly as I learned about during training.

But that doesn't make it any easier for me.

I hate knowing that no one will read them their favorite stories (they won't be able to read the books in English). I hate knowing that no one will sing their favorite songs with them. I hate knowing that they won't even understand when the kids ask for "mommy" that they're actually asking for me sometimes. (Especially Dude. He has a VERY strained relationship with his mom!!)

Their social worker is pretty cool. She assured me that she's going to stall the time between the hearing and when the kids will actually leave our home. This is an easy stall for several reasons. She wants to make sure the kids get a proper goodbye with us. She knows the kids have friends in the neighborhood that she wants them to be able to say goodbye to. She wants to make sure the kids get all their things. And she also has to coordinate the actual transfer halfway across the state. So I can take comfort in knowing that I'll get to say goodbye and they won't be shuffled away from me straight from the court room.

I have to live in the right now and not wallow about the goodbye. I know this to be true. But these family visits are hard on me. The kids have come back each time so confused. Dude got out of the car today, practically glued himself onto me and wouldn't let me put him down. Dolly keeps looking at me so confused about the relationship. She knows she has a mom. But she has chosen to call me Mom now too. She loves her mom. And she loves me. She's just a mess after a visit. I'm not trying to diminish the pain the kids are going through. But trying to keep a straight face and not burst into tears on their behalf is hard. They didn't get back until nearly 6:00PM and they were in bed by 8:00PM but I am worn out. It was hard to keep it together for those short two hours.

I just want to run into a dark room and bawl my eyes out. I hurt so bad for the kids. For what they went through today. For what they're going through every day. And for the transition that is coming that won't be any easier.


Tobi said...

Wallow here, Cherub Mamma ~ "the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God." 2 Cor. 1:3-4

You love so well - thank you for putting hands, feet, tears and laughter to what you believe.

MamaFoster said...

this is a hard one. i will be praying that you and the kids are given the time after court that they and you deserve.

it will be ok, they will be ok. it just hurts.