Wednesday, April 25, 2012

I'm just F.I.N.E.

Thank goodness I keep myself busy. 'Cause when I'm not busy, I'm just a little bit sick to my stomach.

Here I am only a little over two weeks away from our next court date for Dude and Dolly. I haven't heard hair nor tail from the new worker in their case. I know NOTHING! Any hopes I had of them getting to stay with us have been unceremoniously dashed!

I talked with another foster mom here in the Valley that had her little boys for four years. FOUR YEARS! The littlest one was an infant when he came. Awhile ago I heard the judge told her that the boys will never go home to mom. But...then again...the judge also said he'd never let them get adopted either. (what??!!) Anyway, even though the foster family loved these kids like their own for...let me refresh your memory...four years – AND they wanted to adopt the cherubs – just a couple months ago the judge ordered the kids placed with their bio dad's girlfriend! Not the mom. Not the dad. But the girlfriend!! A loving relationship of four years was destroyed so these kids could go live with a girlfriend. Dad isn't part of the plan legally. But he's involved now. Cause the kids were placed with his girlfriend!!

I'm not holding my breath that this same judge is going to let my cherubs stay with me. All I can do is remind the beauties that I do want them. That I would keep them. And that no matter what I'll love them forever!!!

And then there's the whole thing with Pumpkin. Every time I think about my non-verbal daughter being put back to live with her mom in what was a neglectful and abusive situation, I tense up. I start to freak out! I get a little bit sick to my stomach!

Pumpkin cannot defend herself. Pumpkin cannot tell anyone if she's being hurt or neglected. Why oh why oh why can't the State put together a case against her mom?! They can't honestly think that assigning a Child Safety Specialist to the family is going to keep Pumpkin safe! Pumpkin goes to court in just under four weeks. If something doesn't change, she will either continue to languish in foster care or she will go home to her mom. Neither situation is a healthy one. (And dammit we're a good foster family! But Pumpkin deserves permanency!!!)

So, like I said, I'm glad I stay busy. Every time I have any quiet "down time", these two situations roll over and over in my brain. I told myself I wouldn't get worked up before court this time. I told myself it was all going to be OK no matter what. But as we get closer and closer to these dates I dwell more and more on the children, the effects of foster care on their lives, and I get all selfish and wonder what it'll feel like to be a family of only five again. What will it feel like to not have any more foster children? Do I have the energy to jump in and do it again? Or will we be done when these two cases leave my home?

BTW - I'm just F.I.N.E (f***ed up, insecure, neurotic and emotional)

3 comments:

Foster Mom - R said...

Hugs! The what ifs are overwhelming.

MamaFoster said...

you can't base your kids' cases on any other cases. obviously this judge cannot be trusted to do the right thing for these kids BUT you never know when once (out of 100's of cases) he may make a really great decision.

also, towards the end of cases (u know this), things start to look very bad quickly...until all the sudden "the worst" does happen...or often times I have seen some really great things happen.

i have had both. my first foster daughter went back to a home where she said someone was molesting her because there wasn't ENOUGH evidence (there was some evidence) that she was being molested THERE by HIM.

then there is lizzy who was on track to go home to a mom that is incapable of parenting a child and then all the sudden everything falls apart and she is being adopted by us.

you never know...often it doesn't make sense....but God.

fosterfull said...

I will say a prayer tonight for all of your kiddos, that God will intervene in a seemingly hopeless situation for their protection.

I can't add anything to what Mama Foster said above, because she pretty much covered it all.