Sunday, May 20, 2012

I suck at waiting

Maybe the babies staying in Care is a good thing. So many people are happy when I tell them, "they didn't go to Dallas...again". People say, "Oh good, now you have more time with the children". Maybe there is a good reason they are still in Care. Maybe.

It sounds nice on paper. But it just isn't sitting right with me.

Yes. Wonderful things have happened to these children as a result of coming in to care.
• Dolly got all her teeth fixed. And oh were they bad before she came to me.
• Both kids got all their vaccinations. They are healthy.
• Dolly got in speech therapy. Granted, she had to learn a new language because we don't speak Spanish. But she's done wonderfully. In fact, just last week her therapist said she only wants to work on a couple more skills and then it will be time to discharge her completely. Dolly not only learned a new language - but she made up for a year of developmental delay in the process!!
• Dude has learned how to love. He had been so ignored before he just didn't talk. All of his bio family keeps commenting on how much he talks now and how good he's doing.
Really, I could go on and on. The kids have made progress.

But the time table of it all is getting complicated now. They haven't seen their bio mom in over six months. They've never seen their bio dad. (At least not for well over a year anyway. Neither child understands they have a "first dad" as they didn't know what a daddy was until they came in to Care.) They've only seen their paternal grandma three times in the past year. They've only seen their maternal great-grandma a few more times than that. (I would love to do more with their great-grandma but I'm limited to what CPS will allow and they don't see value in this relationship because great-grandma can't take them and raise them.)

These children have integrated into our family. They've seen my parents (who live over 1200 miles away) three different times. My parents also talk to them on the phone and also send cards and gifts for holidays and special events. They've seen my sister only once but are madly in love with her and her children. When Miss Supervisor tried to tell Dude & Dolly they have cousins this past Thursday Dude responded, "I know. I've got Max and Emmet. And Josh and Julie and Jacob." He's never met three of these kids but he knows they are part of HIS family. Miss Supervisor was surprised he knew his cousins' names and then irritated when I explained they are members of my family.

I'm frustrated. I feel so torn. I want to grab on to these next few months and live them up. In the same breath, I want to separate myself from the children on an intimate level. (I've got to stop day dreaming about the future!!) I know part of my feelings are stemming from the fact that I'm hurt. Deep down I know that adoption isn't going to be an option and it's going to hurt like Hell when these kids get ripped from my family. But I know most of anger towards things is because I know what it's going to do to the children and I hate being a part of this kind of hurt.

Miss Supervisor indicated (very, very subtlety) that maybe the kids shouldn't stay with us. I informed her that a broken attachment is better than no attachment at all. I also offered to provide her with scientific proof that children NEED attachment in order to prevent mental illness (RAD). I told her that I'm going to be just fine and this is the best place for the kids.

I believe that will all my heart.

But this is still so hard!!

How do I handle conversations now? The children WANT to stay with us. Do I continue to encourage them to tell the lawyers, therapists, and social workers what they want? Or, has the time come that I need to remove this as an option again and talk up all the wonders of Dallas? Their lawyer will only "fight" for the kids to stay here if the children express this desire. But I'm worried that letting that be an option is only setting them up for a bigger hurt.

I can't make any promises about Dallas. I don't know if their grandma is going to love them the way we do. I don't know who they will see and spend time with there. But I can talk about it in a positive way in simple generalities.

We're not going to intervene. I don't have that kind of money laying around ($10-20K). I also wouldn't feel right explaining it to the kids when they got older. I can't be a part of "stealing" them from their family.

But I could call their lawyer now – the one that helped keep them in my house three different times. I could call their new lawyer (if I'm ever told who it is). I could press things with the therapist. I could encourage the children to tell everyone they want to stay with us.

Or I can sit back and let it fall in the hands of God. And just love on the kids.

I'm a do-er. I hate sitting back and waiting. I really suck at it.

But now that I've rambled on for a whole blog post that I wrote as I went along – I'm pretty sure that's what I'm supposed to do.

1 comment:

Mitzy said...

The paragraph below, from your post, totally sums up the hard feelings involved in foster care.

I have these feelings too and Primo's case is no where near being decided. Foster care is such a delicate balance of emotions and actions.

You are completely right about being attached to the kids and their need to have an attachment to you and your family. It would be criminal to move them from your home now, before the judge has decided whether or not they are going to go with their grandma.

I so identify with what you have expressed here:

"I'm frustrated. I feel so torn. I want to grab on to these next few months and live them up. In the same breath, I want to separate myself from the children on an intimate level. (I've got to stop day dreaming about the future!!) I know part of my feelings are stemming from the fact that I'm hurt. Deep down I know that adoption isn't going to be an option and it's going to hurt like Hell when these kids get ripped from my family. But I know most of anger towards things is because I know what it's going to do to the children and I hate being a part of this kind of hurt."