Friday, May 25, 2012

Weekend visit

I dropped Pumpkin off an hour ago. It was rather uneventful. I told Pumpkin we were going to see Mommy but that didn't mean much to her. And since we went to a place that Pumpkin didn't recognize, she was unresponsive during the whole trip. When her mom opened the door Pumpkin perked up and said, "Mommy". She looked back at me and pointed. It was almost like, "Hey Mamma L***...there's my mom." I smiled and said, "I told you Pumpkin, we are going to see Mommy."

I went over the medicine with Pumpkin's mom. I had to explain things very carefully. I'm not sure she understood me. I showed her how to fill out the med logs. It will be interesting to see if she can actually do it or if she'll have her older kids do it for her. I won't know until Sunday when I pick Pumpkin up.

Now what do I do?

Do I pray that Pumpkin stays safe?

Because if that happens, Pumpkin will go back home in August for sure.

Do I pray that Pumpkin's mom screws up?

Wow. That doesn't seem quite right.

This feels so weird. I don't "miss" Pumpkin. I don't mean to sound harsh -- but I'm not exactly madly in love with Pumpkin. She's a difficult kid to love. She doesn't respond to most things I say to her. She refuses eye contact. She can't talk. And most of the time she tries as hard as she can to avoid me all together.

That means I've got a 42 pound infant that hates my guts. She doesn't throw a lot of fits or tantrums. (And Lord I'm praying these visits don't trigger any!) But she requires so much work on my end. I have to do every single personal care thing that she requires. And if there is something she can do on her own, she does it so painfully slow that it's challenging. (Eating a bowl of cereal can take her 45 minutes sometimes. Putting on a pair of pants can take 5 minutes.)

So I don't miss her.

But I don't exactly like the idea of these visits either. And I certainly don't trust that Mom can keep her safe long-term at all!!

This case is such a mess. I liked the idea of Pumpkin going to live with her aunt and uncle so much better than what is happening now. I guess all I can really do is simply pray God's will is done and wait until Sunday night.

2 comments:

Mama P said...

I don't think it sounds harsh at all...it is what it is. It's hard to miss someone that is so physically demanding of a person, especially when she is not "yours," as in, you plan on being her forever mommy. I really think that makes a difference.

How did it go?

Mie said...

...because you DO love her, day in, day out. You just don't feel the emotion of love. Instead you act it out, daily, by caring for her every need, all the time. And that's exhausting. And you want her to continue to receive that care because you are who you are and you believe all kiddos deserve to be loved like that.