Tuesday, June 12, 2012

30 Day Notice

Pumpkin's new worker came to the house this morning.

She stayed just long enough to share with me that the abuse Pumpkin suffered at the hand of her mother - at the doctor's office back in September - that was witnessed by an employee - and reported by a doctor - was never "founded". Legally, it never happened.

The judge (and this is the new one mind you) told everyone on Friday that unsupervised visits with Pumpkin are being suspended for now. But if they can't prove that Mom did the scratching and pinching last weekend - they will be started again immediately.

Now then...if abuse that was officially observed couldn't be proved...how on Earth are they going to prove abuse nobody actually saw?!

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I'm done. I can't do it anymore. This particular roller coaster is too hard for me and I have to take care of myself and the rest of my family.

When my agency worker asked me questions...looking for an "official reason" to report for the disruption...I told her to go back to our original home study. I told her to see that we said we did not want any major medical cases.

I've been at this for almost 18 months now. I'm emotionally and physically drained. I think Pumpkin deserves so much better. She deserves for social workers and investigators to fully do their jobs. She deserves for lawyers to actually defend her in court. And she deserves a foster mom that isn't as worn out with everything as I am.

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I'm not going to freak out if it takes longer than 30 days for them to find her an appropriate home. Personally, I just need to know there actually is an end in sight. I WANT to be a part of the transition. I am committed to being an advocate for Pumpkin. I might even become a CASA. I've already been told that if I did that they would have no problem appointing me to Pumpkin. But I'll cross all those bridges when they come.

For now, I'm still trying to recover from the hospital trip and all the craziness that is managing Pumpkin's case. I didn't come to this decision hastily. But the decision has been made and I started the ball rolling.

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Words of encouragement are welcomed. If you feel the need to judge me though, please keep it to yourself. I'm already judging myself enough for everyone.

13 comments:

In This Life said...

I have been following your blog for quite awhile now but don't think I have ever commented. We are pretty new to the world of foster care so I don't know if I can give you much advice but just want to you to know that I think you are amazing! I always tell people that loving these kids is the easy part, we too are human though and we have to know our limits. You have given Pumpkin a safe and loving home and even if she can't show you that I'm sure it has made a difference in her life. Hang in there!

Carrie said...

Ditto the pp. You have done an amazing job of advocating for Pumpkin while receiving absolutely nothing in return. It is hard enough when you are really your love and care reciprocated. It really is a shame that this case has been drawn out so long when there is someone waiting to take care of pumpkin.

Nita said...

Please don't judge yourself harshly. I can imagine doing the exact same thing were I in this situation. (I think we are similar as I have often found myself nodding my head and laughing or shaking my head and growling while reading your blog!) 18 months in care, when there is an aunt & uncle wanting her is just so very wrong. I'm sad for Pumpkin and will say a prayer for her. Wishing you all the best.

Jennifer said...

You have done a great job caring for pumpkin, and knowing that you are at your end is wise. It is so sad for pumpkin- not because of you, but because of the system that is failing her. Guilt is not from God; when you feel guilty, let it nudge you to pray for peace and for pumpkin.

Mitzy said...

You've done so much for Pumpkin, if only "the system" could do the right things: support you and find permanency for Pumpkin.

Meg0422 said...

I fully support your decision and am proud of you for sticking with it so long and for continually advocating for the kids. You're right though, you need to take care of your family and yourself.

Foster Mom - R said...

You did everything you could to not give notice. But you have to know your limits for you and for her. I pray they find someone who can pick up where you will leave off.

Teresa said...

I'm more heartbroken for Pumpkin being failed by the CPS investigators than having to be disrupted. Even if you stayed the course with her, there would never have been an upswing. I know you made a wise decision for your whole family including Pumpkin. ((((Hugs)))

fosterfull said...

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that you can no longer provide what Pumpkin needs... And I don't think you should feel any shame in that. It's so important to be self-aware in order to best care for and protect these kids. You have gone above and beyond and WAY out of your comfort zone to protect this child... With little to no support from anyone in "the system". Let yourself off the hook if you can.

I have also thought about becoming a CASA recently. We are very burned out after the long, drawn-out case of our soon-to-be adopted son (Grover). My husband is ready to never have another child, in fact. But I still feel called to kids in care. Maybe for now that calling has more to do with being a legal advocate than a foster home. No shame in that. We desperately need both, as you know.

Perhaps as Pumpkin's CASA you can finally have the power to do something about getting her into the care of the aunt and uncle...

MamaFoster said...

I understand and who knows....as much as it doesn't seem like it could even be possible...the next foster home may be her forever home

jendoop said...

Everyone has already said the good stuff. You're not a bad person, you're at your limit and better to admit it now than officially run out of gas and not give everyone in your family what they need from you. Let go and let God. 18 months is a long time to care for someone who's needs are as great as Pumpkin's. I remember when you rewarded yourself with a margarita if you could change her diapers with a good attitude. Here you are 18 months later! You should be amazed at what you've done with Pumpkin, not beating yourself up for realizing that you're human.

Mama P said...

Nothing but big fat Southern hugs from me.

There are days lately I want to give a 30 day notice on EVERYTHING.

Im praying for your family and for Pumpkin.

Carrie said...

What you have done for Pumpkin and your other kids for months and months is amazing, and beyond the limits many of us readers could handle and beyond the limits you yourself thought you could handle. There's a limit and there's absolutely no shame in acknowledging you've reached it.

Regarding your official reason for putting in notice though, I would sing from the hills the fact that it's frustrations from the SYSTEM that is driving you to do it. I read a ton of foster care blogs and a pattern I see over and over is that great foster parents can handle inconsistencies and craziness and difficult behavior from the birth families and the children....but when it comes from the system it puts you over the edge. The child welfare system needs to hear that message.