Friday, July 13, 2012

The cousins are here!

Cousins Camp is in full swing. The rest of the gang arrived yesterday. In a matter of just a few hours all the kids painted their T-shirts, ate supper, swam in the kiddie pool and got off to bed. There are nine kids in the house ages: 3, 3, 6, 7, 7, 8, 10, 12, and 12. There are no twins – just cousins and one friend who for this week is an 'honorary cousin'.

Last night was difficult for me. That list of cousins was supposed to have another 3 year old and a 4 year old.

As I watch the chaos that nine children all thrown together can bring, I'm a tiny bit thankful Dude and Dolly aren't here. I know that Cousins Camp would have overwhelmed them tremendously. It would have been a lot of work for me to help them with everything. Oh it would have been a lot of work!!!

But just the second that thankfulness starts, I'm swept over with an incredible sense of loss. This is SO NOT how I wanted our relationship to end.

Everything about this investigation is hurtful to the children. I'm sure as far as Dude and Dolly are concerned, I've been lying to them all along.

1. I told Dude and Dolly I'd be with them until a judge said otherwise. I told the cherubs that they would either stay with me or go be with their grandma in Dallas. For three weeks now they've been at a stranger's house.

2. I told Dude and Dolly that when they did leave my house they would get to take ALL their belongings with them. This was incredibly important to them. They would go through a mental list of all their things and double check regularly that they would always get to have and keep them all. For three weeks now they've been living out of a duffel bag with little more than a week's worth of clothes. I was told not to pack any toys for them. For three weeks now they've been at a stranger's house with nothing they can call their own.

I want closure! Shoot -- we all DESERVE closure! There is no reason for this to have stayed open for so damn long. I'm miserable. But even if I'm supposed to put on my big girl panties -- those kids deserve closure!!

I didn't hear anything from anybody this week about the status of this investigation. I sent an email to CPS today but didn't get a response.

Every single time I scoop up one of my nephews I'm saddened. This is so painful. I know I'll be OK in the long run. This will not break me. But it's so hard in the moment. I miss 'my' children terribly. And even though they're gone right now, I can't really even grieve. I'm forced to be in the most peculiar state of limbo I've ever experienced.

Yes, I'm having fun. It's wonderful to spend time with my family. But oh how I want an answer as to what I can expect with the rest of my family that isn't with me right now!!


MamaFoster said...

i can't even imagine...but in a way i can. i just knew that i would never see them again when i was shocked by the news of my kids leaving.

the stress that an investigation put anyone under is crazy though...even when there is NOTHING to hide it isn't cut and dry. i hope so much you hear something soon and are able to enjoy your vacation.

Mitzy said...

You definitely deserve to have some closure/answers by now. I hope this will come soon.

Being in limbo sucks!