Sunday, September 9, 2012

Raw honesty

Tomorrow is court. I'm not nearly as emotional about things as I was three months ago. I guess I learned this summer that I can and will continue on with my life even when it seems impossible. In the midst of all the hell that was that investigation, my life continued on. And I know that even if these kids move on to Dallas, I did all that I could for them. At least if they have to say goodbye this week, I will get to say goodbye under better circumstances.

Please know that I want these children to stay with me. When all is said and done, I would love more than anything to raise these cherubs to adulthood. I don't believe that their grandma is invested in them. She chooses to have almost no contact with them whatsoever. One visit over three months?! No phone calls. No letters. No nothing. Just one visit back in July that I'm sure the State paid for.

But...if they are ultimately going to end up in Dallas anyway – I am very ready for these children to move on.

Raw honesty.

I'm tired of the drama of this case. For nearly a year now the State has been trying to get these kids up to Dallas to their grandma's house. (They've been in Care almost 15 months but initially the plan was reunification with Mom.) For nearly a year now there has been reason after reason why the kids shouldn't go to Dallas.

Tomorrow there's a new reason.

Dad is out of prison. Dad is living with Grandma (his mother). I guess Dad knows that he'll have to move out if the kids move North – but really...will he?! Who is going to make sure that these kids stay safe from their biological father's potential influence. He has not participated in any services. He's not going to either. And Dad has a history of making lots of bad mistakes. LOTS of bad mistakes!

Raw honesty – I'm done with foster care. I'm tired of everyone else making all the decisions for my family. It's been hard enough telling Dude and Dolly I don't know how or where they are going to celebrate Halloween. Because of course, that's all they want to talk about now. I can't promise Dude that he'll get to be a firefighter. If he goes to Dallas – will Grandma let him dress up? I just don't know. So I don't promise. I'm tired of saying, "I don't know".

If these cherubs don't get court ordered to move to Dallas tomorrow, I will have to spend the entire Christmas holiday season saying, "I don't know". The thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.

Think about it. Everything in Foster Care Land takes place in three month increments. That means, if they stay with me tomorrow, our next court hearing will be right around December 10. So as soon as the decorations make their way out in the stores – and the kids start talking about Christmas – I will have to answer every single question with, "I don't know".

Will Santa Come?
I don't know.
Will I have a stocking?
I don't know.
Will we have a Christmas tree?
We will baby. But I don't know if Grandma does.
Will we get presents?
I don't know. (Grandma didn't acknowledge Christmas with these cherubs last year.)

Of course I will do all that I can for the cherubs before the court date. But I won't be able to promise anything.

And more importantly it will complicate my original holiday plans.

We want to go HOME for Christmas. We want to go to Iowa.

I won't be able to ask for permission until after the court date. I won't be able to commit to my family that we will be visiting about our ability to come North or not. I won't be able to promise the children that they will be able to come. I won't even be able to tell the children "no", they can't come to Iowa. I will have to completely put the trip on the back burner until mid-December and then just roll with the punches as they come.

I won't get to look forward to any of it!!

So, in all raw honesty, if the cherubs are going to ultimately end up in Dallas anyway – I'm more than ready for them to go. The System continuing to drag things out is beyond frustrating!

Of course, if there is any hope at all that these cherubs could stay with me forever, I'm willing to do whatever it takes.

Like I do every three months, I'm asking for prayer. I pray that wisdom prevails tomorrow. I pray the new lawyer can see all aspects of this case. I pray that the judge can rule in the best interests of the children. (I pray the judge makes the next hearing in January instead of December.) And I pray my heart can handle whatever is decided.


Mitzy said...

I'm praying for you! That feels like all I got right now too.

Mama P said...

Daniel 1:9 - Now God had caused the official to show favor and compassion to Daniel.

God, our Father in Heaven, I ask that you cause the judge to show favor and compassion for Dude and Dolly tomorrow. Please give them the permanency they deserve. Please, I beg of you, have mercy on sweet CherubMamma and allow some answer to all of the "I don't know"s.

Alice said...

Praying for this to be over for you and the cherubs to have some permanence. Praying His will can be done through the judge and those babies get to stay with Mamma L!

Our Journey said...

Praying for finality for all our babies today as we all head to court! I know of several BIG cases going to court THIS week. So many little lives at stake!

G said...

Praying here, too.

Sometimes I wish the people who make these decisions would have to spend some time being the one fielding those questions for little ones. 3 months is a long time to have to "not know"!

Anonymous said...


Please bless this foster mother as she has poured out her heart and everyday interactions to bless those of us who read.

She takes the time to do this, we can take the time for a simple prayer.

We pray in our household that YOUR will be done in those children's lives, NOT what we want for them Lord, but YOUR will be done. As this is all that we can ask along with safety of course and love.

In your precious name we pray.


Carrie said...

Praying for God's best for all of you and for the strength to endure if the answer is to wait. Hugs!