Wednesday, January 23, 2013


Mr. Amazing left for a three week detail across the country yesterday.
Abandonment trigger.

Dude and Dolly's mom cancelled her visit yesterday. This is the second week in a row.
Abandonment trigger.

And of course this crazy never comes out with what it really is. It manifests as, "Math is hard." And, "I'm so stupid. I'm sorry I ruined your day again." (after throwing endless temper tantrums all day long) And, "I can't do this. I can't do this. I can't do this."

All. Day. Long.

I kept my cool today. I stayed therapeutic. I vented online in my support group. I called My Genius Sister. I cried a little.

I also sang in opera. I also got down on his level and told him I love him...even when he's Wonky. And when it got to be too much, I scooped up the kids and we went to run errands. If school isn't going to get done, I might as well get some things taken care of outside of the house.

And then, when he came running to me out of desperation, I scooped him up and hugged him tight. I took him to the "big feeling room" and I gave him words for his feelings.
  • Daddy left. You are scared. You are afraid that he isn't going to come back.
  • Your first mom left you. You feel abandoned. When Daddy leaves it triggers that abandonment.
  • You're mad at Dude and Dolly's mom. You want to yell at her and tell her, "You stupid bitch! Why don't you come see your children?! Why don't you want to get your children back?!"
  • Every time Dude and Dolly's mom does stuff like this it reminds you of your first mom and how she left you. It just doesn't make sense.
  • I'm so sorry nobody was there for your first mom and dad. Do you know why they chose adoption?
  • I was told it was because they were young. They weren't married. They didn't have money. They wanted you to have a better life than what they thought they could provide. That's what I was told.
  • I'm so sorry nobody was there to help keep your first family together. I'm so sorry no one could help them see how much better that could have been.
  • I'm sorry I'm not your first mom. I'm sorry you didn't come from me.
  • I love being your mom. I love you with all my heart.
  • I'm sorry you have had to suffer so much just so I can be your mom.

1 comment:

Annie said...

Sounds perfect to me. And exhausting.