Monday, January 14, 2013

Fake it 'til ya make it

I'm still feeling pretty whiny about things.

Homeschool is NOT easy. I don't particularly enjoy it. I know I'm not doing as good of a job as I "should be" with it. But it's really hard to work from home AND give enough attention to three different students and all their needs. Herman (10th grade – attending online school) is largely on his own. But he blows off many, many assignments so he needs to be helicoptered. Bart (2nd grade – using Abeka curriculum) is very advanced for his age so I don't worry about him a lot. However, he fights me on doing anything he even remotely feels is "boring" so there are too many battles for my comfort level. And TT (3rd grade – attending online school) needs a lot of one on one attention. His curriculum is very intense. There is a lot to do every day. And because he's technically in a public school, I can't pick and choose and just blow things off. He does have to do the work. It is all very draining. If one kid isn't flipping out on me it's another.

Foster parenting is still a total pain in the neck. I spent over an hour today going through paperwork, filling out forms and making copies. Granted, I was behind schedule with some of my documentation. But there are times when I really tire of all the extra foster parenting paperwork crap.

And now Dude has a cold. I know it's a cold. It's just a virus. I do not take my children to the doctor for a simple virus. Somehow though, I'm betting I end up getting my hand slapped for not rushing him off to see a professional. I HATE this part of foster parenting.

Minnie hasn't let me know if the visit schedule has been changed for this week or not yet. Since I cannot count on anyone else to consistently be able to help me with transport, I felt it necessary to move the family visits to the evening so I don't have to involve my forever children at all. I asked Minnie to make this switch last week. She still hasn't given me an answer though. To add to all the fun...I cannot take the children to a visit on Wednesday if the times are not changed. I have a major doctor appointment that cannot be rescheduled.

Minnie told me (via Rainbow) that the kids are to go to Dallas this weekend. I want to plan a mini-vacation with my core family for when they are gone. I don't want to book a hotel though until I know for sure the little cherubs are leaving me Friday morning. Rainbow can try to convince me all she wants that Minnie isn't mad at me. But Minnie's inability to convey the most simple of information to me is proof enough that she must have her panties in a wad. I've asked for a FIRM confirmation on the travel times so I can book our weekend. I've heard nothing.

Minnie also told Rainbow something else last week that Rainbow had to call me about. (Notice that Minnie is avoiding me like the plague now and is relaying all information through Rainbow?! Suuurrrre...she's not mad at me.) Anyway...I'm no longer allowed to have any contact with Great Grandma P. If GGP wants to know anything about the cherubs, she is supposed to call Minnie and talk to HER. (Minnie used to avoid all of GPP's phone calls in the past.) Rainbow tried to temper things with me. I'm sure I got a watered down version of the story. Rainbow did say something along the lines of Minnie having issues with GGP not wanting the kids to go to Dallas permanently. So it seems, if someone in the party here doesn't want the kids in Dallas, Minnie will just eliminate them from the equation.

And as much as I dislike homeschool, I still hate the public schools even more!

Dude's teacher informed me last Thursday (a Spanish speaking day) that Dude understands her when she speaks Spanish.  --  Funny, I saw him completely ignore her twice until she spoke to him in English. Then, when I got home, Dude was so shell-shocked (literally...he was deep in a trauma based response to his day) he couldn't talk to me for over 30 minutes. He could. not. talk. This wasn't some refusal because he was mad. He was seriously freaked out. Once, when given the simple direction to find something to do, he burst into tears and cried for over 10 minutes.

And Dolly is bringing home homework again. (Neither the principal or the teacher called me back like I requested...but homework and daily behavior notes are coming home now.) It is entirely too much homework for a 5 year old!! Shoot – she brought home two (stupid) books full of sight words she is supposed to be reading to me. Plus she's supposed to trace an entire sheet of the letter M.  --  I realize I'm in the minority here...but little ones do NOT need this kind of work. Dolly gets so much more out of the stories I read to her every night than she would out of these stupid little print-outs. And the tracing?! What's the point?!

Here's the deal though....
I'm putting on my big girl panties as often as I can. I'm trying to fake it 'til I make it. I'm cutting myself some slack and I'm trying to hang on as best as I can.

When I got the call about Great Grandma P I wanted to scream. I managed to keep my composure while on the phone with Rainbow. When I hung up though, I cried for almost a half an hour. It was the straw that almost broke the camel's back!

It is so unfair to the children. Why must CPS continually go against their best interests?! GGP has never done anything to complicate this case other than express a desire for the children to stay with me and NOT go to Dallas. And she's never said anything to a lawyer or the judge. So in reality, her opinions have had no weight on anything. But now, because her goals don't line up with what CPS wants, she can no longer have any contact with the cherubs. I'm quite confident she's going to be kicked out of visits now too. (Minnie already kicked her out of one back in mid-December for reasons no one knew.) Like I've said before, GGP is the only family member that has been a constant for these cherubs. She loves them so much. It makes me sooooooo mad that they are removing her from the cherubs' lives now! It is so unfair! In fact, I was so mad I almost just quit. Q.U.I.T quit! Dammit – if CPS isn't going to do what's right by these kids...why should I have to play along anymore?!

But I didn't quit. I wanted to. But I didn't.

I'm in this for the long haul. I'm going to obey this calling. And I know that means not giving up. I'm going to fake it 'til I make it I guess.

While reading another blog last night, I heard it phrased this way: "Don't struggle. Just wait for your feelings to catch up with your obedience."

So I am. I'm waiting. I sure hope my feelings catch up soon. I'm bone tired of all that is foster parenting!!


Mandy said...

I hate that foster care feeling of knowing you can't go on with a crooked system any longer and knowing you can't quit on the kids.

Anonymous said...

It's so frustrating. I have told people as our foster daughter's case went south at the end that it feels like CPS is actually committing more child abuse than they are stopping. It is emotional abuse to a child to jerk them around and ignore the people's recommendations who know and love them best, like you and Great Grandma. I feel like I'm contributing to child abuse by being a foster parent. But yes, God called me into this mess and that's the final word for now.