Wednesday, January 9, 2013

pity party for me

The amount of stress that foster care has brought into our home makes me seriously question if we are doing the right thing at times.

I am frustrated beyond belief. In my gut I know these kids are probably going to leave our care and go to Grandma's in Dallas. Yes, they are safe now. Yes, they are loved now. But if they are going to end up there anyway – does all THIS matter?! The State seems to think they will be safe and loved in Dallas. Who I am to question that?!

My husband is angry. He too wants to be done with foster care. And he doesn't even have to do any of the foster care crap. I do the ridiculous paperwork. I handle the visits. I do court. As much as we want these kids forever....we all want to be D.O.N.E. too!!

Herman is cranky and completely out of sorts. He's caught up with school and he's passing all of his classes. Still...he's angry and constantly doing things to sabotage his lot in life if you will. He's tried to put off assignments already (school started back up for him on Jan. 3). He's not getting up in the morning. He's on YouTube and Facebook instead of his school website. He's sassy and disrespectful to me constantly.  ----  Either Herman has missed some of his anti-depressant meds or he's reacting to all the stress that foster care IS. (or both)

TT is back to flipping out about school every day. If I have to grade an assignment and he gets anything wrong he rages. If he doesn't understand something he rages. If he doesn't remember something he rages. Mr. Wonky takes over and he flops all over, he fusses, he talks baby talk, he screams, he throws things, etc. His internal dialog is horrible!!! Yesterday after a rage he kept saying over and over (and over and over), "I ruined your day. I'm a bad kid." Over and over (and over and over) I told him, "I'm glad I don't believe that about you. Those must be some hard feelings to process. You didn't ruin my day."

Bart keeps flitting all over the house. He can barely seem to stay focused on anything. I'm pretty sure he has ADD. (It seems to run genetically in our family.) He's not on any meds. But lately, I've been wishing he was. 99% of the time he's the happiest kid you could ever want to meet. But that 1%....oh that 1% is HELL. He is stubborn. He is determined. He is rude. He is unwilling to comply with basic rules. All I can do is pray that he will harness those qualities and use them for the greater good of mankind when he's older.

Dude and Dolly seem to be doing OK enough. Of course each one had to tell me that they love me about 134,862 times yesterday. They are reconnecting and getting back to routine. It's all good. But it still breaks my heart. I just ache for them sometimes. Shouldering their pain is not an easy task. I'll pat myself on the back here -- I must be doing it pretty good in order for them to bounce back as quickly as they do. But it sucks just having to do it in general sometimes.

Yes....this is a major pity party for me. I know I won't stay in this state. I will put on my big girl panties and get over this. But today it's grey and rainy. And I'm crabby.


1 comment:

Mama P said...

I'd be having a pity party too. Being in limbo is one of the most agonizing feelings...even more so for the kids, which is why we gripe and move on.

I hate your situation for all involved. :(