I survived today. I haven't burst into tears. I've been engaged with the rest of the family. And when it got a little tough, I went outside and walked around the neighborhood for a couple miles.
In just a few minutes I'll bathe the cherubs and get them ready for bed. I do know that it's not the last time I'll be doing this. But it might be my last Sunday doing it.
I'm sorry to be such a downer. But this blog is as much therapy for me as it is anything else. And here I am again...getting ready to go to court...not knowing at all what is going to happen tomorrow.
This particular court hearing has me more confused than any other. Before EVERY OTHER HEARING I was told that without a doubt the children would be leaving. This time...Minnie has been cryptic. I have no idea what is going on that would keep the kids with me yet again. But the possibility must be there because Minnie is wishy-washy and has literally said she doesn't know what will happen tomorrow.
The cherubs' lawyer never called me back. Over the last couple months I left four messages (one on her cell phone and three at the office). I also sent an email. It's going to take a lot to be cordial to her tomorrow when she "meets" with the kids. I had such high hopes. Four months ago she told me she wanted to meet with the kids outside of court. Obviously that was nothing but smoke and mirrors to keep me happy at the time.
I spoke with another foster mom on the phone yesterday. I learned a lot more about the Texas foster care system. Did you know that if you've ever been investigated (ya know...even the "normal" ones that most folks end up going through) that you can't ever switch agencies? She was finally told by the agency that they wanted to switch to that if you've ever had an investigation and a new agency takes you on as a licensed family...AND you get investigated again...the AGENCY will be shut down. This family has been fostering for nearly 14 years. Of course they've been investigated. But they are stuck at the same agency we are with as a result of all the new rules. What a crock! But it does solidify that we will be done fostering. I will not be driving an hour away for stupid, repetitive training given at inconvenient times.
This foster mom also recommended that I speak up in court tomorrow. They are currently in the process of adopting after being granted PMC of two of their little ones. She said that I should take the children up to the front of the courtroom when they call the case tomorrow. Then, when appropriate, I should address the judge and tell him that we want PMC and/or that we want to adopt.
I have a horrible habit of running possible scenarios over and over (and over and over and over and over) in my mind when I am stressed. With this one though I have stopped myself. I'm not even allowing myself to play out what I want to say to their lawyer tomorrow. Believe me, that means that my self dialog right now is pretty much, "no...don't think that" all day long. All. Day. Long. I haven't decided if I'll say something to the judge or not. I'm praying that God will give me the words I need at the perfect timing tomorrow. I'm putting ALL of this on God.
I'm not thinking about anything other than the moment in time I am actually IN right now. I'm trying to stop all other thoughts. It's not easy though. As I do laundry I'm thinking about them. As I cook I'm thinking about them. As I do everything...I'm thinking about them.
But I'm down to the last few hours of uncertainty. By this time tomorrow I'll know if they're going, if they're staying in foster care, or if they are MINE.