Friday, February 1, 2013

"I want to stay here"

Dude: "Mommy....I want to stay here."

Me: "You mean you want to live here forever?"

Dude: "Yeah. I want to stay here with you."

Me: "I would like that Dude. I love you very much. How about you Dolly? What do you want?"

Dolly (with hesitation in her voice): "I want to stay here too."

Me (because I notice this conversation is very, very difficult for Dolly): "You want to live with Mommy and Papi and you want to visit Dallas? Right Dolly."

Dolly (with big smiles): "Yes!!"

Dude: "We told Minnie that we want to live in Dallas."

Me: "Oh did?! Well then, that is probably what is going to happen."


Why oh why oh why oh why is so much emphasis put on what the children say?! These oh so very young children. These children that long for permanency. These children that just want to be done with the crazy of foster care!

Because if Minnie heard that the cherubs want to live in Dallas --
she is surely going to continue pushing for Dallas.


Annie said...

Oh - you are SO right.... It seems crazy; and the double-whammy is that if their lives end up topsy-turvy they get to blame THEMSELVES!

When we got our Russian foster son, he'd been pretty well cut off from his Russian roots; name changed, language lost, culture denigrated by his original adoptive family. When he joined our family that was pretty well reversed, and he wanted to get his Russian name back, and also drop the last name of the family who disrupted his adoption. '
This was all set, then up shows his new worker - new person, never met him. Pulled him away from me to talk to him "privately" and when they come back, she'd somehow talked him into using his adoptive family's name as his middle name. What? Why? She knew nothing about him, as evidenced by later conversation. I think she must not have liked the very Russian sound of the middle name he'd chosen....but how could she DARE suggest he live forever bearing the name of a man who abandoned him at a psych hospital? (So he could leave his wife and run off with a girlfriend?)

I guess what I'm also saying here is that children's decisions are not always really children's decisions. Children are smart enough to realize that they can't really make big" decisions wisely so they look to adult guidance.... Adults can so easily lead them to one idea/decision or another.

Mama P said...

You know, he is telling you that's what they told her, but the truth is that she probably has been pressing them with leading yes/no questions and they answer the way all foster kids in turmoil do - with the answer they think the asker is wanting to hear.

I'd place a bet on it being a "SEE? You want to live here in Dallas, DONT YOU? It's SO NICE here in Dallas, isn't it?" to which they'd have no choice in their little people-pleasing brains but to say "Yes."

POWmom01 said...

Poor babies, they just want everyone to be happy!

CherubMamma said...

I think you're spot on with the leading questions. And just for the record...most of the time I don't lead this one at all. What I will do though is remind them of the truth that I KNOW know one else is telling them.
They need to know that if they go to Dallas they will be saying goodbye to us forever. And this is the concept that is beyond their understanding. And this is why it is so unfair to ask them where they want to stay.
That's why when the topic does come up all I usually do is tell them they need to tell their lawyer. Then, occasionally I will remind them that if they do end up staying with us they will continue to have contact with their family of origin. Shoot -- Grandma N would have more contact with these kids than she ever has...IF (if if if) she wants it!!

my_own_clan said...

Oh, so sad. Yes, the system stinks.

I have some very dear friends (several) who have been through the chaos that is foster placements turning into adoption placements, turing into re-unificaiton, turning into... Lord knows what.

At least we have that, since there's really nothing else. Lord knows, and he cares a whole heap about these children.

I so hope that a decision will be made soon. So unfair to the kids. Praying for you all.