Thursday, April 4, 2013

The Balance

Court is coming up next month. I can feel the time ticking away.

It pains me.

I feel myself pulling away.

How do I prepare my heart?

If I prepare for them to stay, I'll be devastated when they leave.

If I tell myself they are leaving, it will be hard to stay connected the next month because I'll want to prepare all of us for the departure.

It's weeks away and I have a peace about them leaving.
When Dolly tells people she wants to go live in Dallas (when asked by a social worker as a yes/no question– Dolly never speaks spontaneously about Dallas anymore)....or when the only reason Dolly seems to even consider staying if I ask her is "because she loves the dog" I get bent out of shape. The DOG ranks higher than me?! What the?!
Fine.
Leave.
And I'm OK with it. (Not just bent out of shape. I'm really OK with it.)
I'll sleep in on the weekends....really sleep in. I'll be D.O.N.E. with the drama that IS foster care. I'll get to go on dates with my husband again. Maybe my other cherubs will stop freaking out so much. Ahhhh....it sounds nice.

When I have to fight against the stupid preschool teacher that puts a sad face on a stupid worksheet...I get all mamma bear. Nobody better mess with MY babies!!
These are MY kids. No one loves them like I do. No one will advocate for them like me. That Grandma in Dallas doesn't want them. I do! I'm their mom! I've been their mom for almost two years. They belong here! This is what they know! This is what's best for them!!

I feel like I'm on a teeter-totter.

And I don't like it.

I want them to stay.
I'll be OK if they go.

I hate the waiting!

3 comments:

Foster Mom - R said...

Hugs.....I know exactly how you feel and I have no words to make it better....

Mitzy said...

There are no words, just know that I'm thinking about you and wishing you peace whatever the outcome may be.

Mie said...

The waiting is the worst part. At least with an answer you'd know what way to go but in the meantime you feel frozen without a game plan.

It makes you just be.

;)