Wednesday, July 31, 2013

Vacation is good!

I'm having a blast!!!

This sure beats a year ago when I spent entirely too much of my time totally freaked out about the investigation from Hell!!

I've been praying hard that a miracle will be worked on September 9. I am storming the heavens with my very specific request. I know that these children do not have to languish in Care any more. I'm quite sure something could happen despite the fact that so many professionals have reminded me this could take years. I know that God can work miracles and a judge can make things move faster.

These cherubs want to stay with us. They deserve permanency. Even though September seems so far away, I know it is right around the corner. In just five short weeks we will stand in front of the judge yet again. The State will say they need to leave. My lawyer, the cherubs' GAL, the cherubs' AAL, and the cherubs' therapist (Lord willing) will all say they need to stay with us.

In the meantime, I deal with the day to day. Visiting my family is a bit of a trigger for Dolly. She's always very aware of who's who. She knows I'm seeing my mommy and daddy. She knows I'm seeing my sister. And while she simply adores my entire family (and they are quite enamored with her as well), it is a reminder that she has been split from a good deal of family she used to have contact with. The other night I tucked Dolly in to bed and walked out of the room. She promptly started crying!!

I waited a minute. I heard Dude whisper quite loudly, "Shhhhh Dolly, we're supposed to be going to sleep. I'm trying to sleep." But she continued to cry.

I went back in her room to comfort her. Dolly was so sad. We covered all the basics:
- she misses her mommy
- it's OK to miss her mommy
- it's OK to be sad
- it's OK to be happy too (damn...foster care is complicated)
- it's OK to love her mommy
- it's OK to love me too
- I will NEVER leave her
- she is safe
- it's sad that her mommy couldn't keep her safe
- it's OK to love her and miss her anyway

We talked for a long time. I tried to give her words for her fears. Largely she was missing her mom and had a very real, and very valid, fear that we would leave her too. She spent the first 3.5 years of her life being left alone quite a bit I believe. Dolly doesn't remember specifics anymore so none of us know much. But from what I can gather, Dolly was regularly abandoned by her bio mom. I did my best to comfort Dolly.

As the "bigness" of her feelings subsided I decided to reassure her with some information about where she was sleeping. I explained that the bedroom she was in used to be mine when I was a little girl. That brought a smile to her face. Then I reached over to the end of the bed Dude was in and pulled off a stuffed figure that I got as a little girl...the initials of my name. I handed Dolly the letter "L" and told her it was for me (my name). Then I told her it was for Love, and that I would never leave her because I love her so much.

Dude was listening in to all this conversation. Honestly though, he doesn't understand. He has never cried for his first family. Dude quite literally has questioned why Dolly is upset sometimes. Typically he has this look on his face like, "What is your problem Dolly?! It's better here!"

Well, Dude grabbed the stuffed letter "M" - the one for my middle name. I told him what it was but then I had to turn my attention back to Dolly. She was still upset and had started crying again. I pulled her on my lap and we talked some more.

As I was leaving the room though, just a few minutes later, I couldn't help but take a picture of this. Dude had grabbed my "M" and decided that was all he needed to be able to fall asleep. The look of contentment on his face was priceless. He was out cold!!


Foster Mom - R said...

So glad you are enjoying your trip!

Anonymous said...

We have gone/are going through some similar things with our little one. We have had her since she was 4. She is 9.5 now. It is heart-breaking to watch her struggle with all that she has and is going through. But sometimes all that I can do is hold her and reassure her that we won't ever leave her. Even after five and a half years, she still worries that we will one day up and leave.

We are fighting for her, just as you are fighting for your cherubs. Regardless of the outcome, both your cherubs and mine will know that there was someone who was willing to do whatever it took to keep them safe. Keep up the good work. Your love and security will do wonders in their little lives!

Annie said...

Boys are so pragmatic, aren't they? I was commenting on another blog about birth parent contact....and that "red string" concept... I would have so ascribed to that - if I hadn't had these adopted boys! I'm more connected to Sergei's family than HE is! Maxim has no interest whatsoever in finding any birthfamily connections. When he read what info we had his primary reflection was something like "How can I be so cool, when my real mother and sister are such douches?" Really.

But my girl is something else again...there's no winning with her because it is ALL about the paradox. If I say something even slightly good about BM, it is "How could you! She didn't FEED ME!?" If I say something at all derogatory (such as "She didn't feed you.") Suddenly it is "She is my mom! Not YOU!" Therapy is all about how "the best thing" can also be "the worst thing" and, you know, I've come to feel that that applies to SO MANY things related to her life, her parents, us, her extended family, adoption, Monnie, her beauty, her intelligence.... you name it. When it comes to her, life IS paradox. But, it is an interesting idea to ponder. Maybe for Dolly, too.