Sunday, August 18, 2013

Bart's Big Feelings

Dude and Dolly came back from Dallas today. I was at the grocery store with TT. (Yes....I was deliberately avoiding having to see Minnie.) There were many, many tears upon entering the home. The cherubs were physically exhausted and had slept from the airport to our home. They are also emotionally drained. And it was difficult for them to come home and not have me here.

Mr. Amazing totally rocked it! He's an amazing dad!! But after they'd been home about an hour he did text me to say that things were pretty intense and he might need my assistance. Thankfully I was in the car and just a couple of miles away when I got that next. (Side note: Minnie never did give me the flight numbers for this weekend's travel. All I got from her was a casual, "we should be back around 3:00PM". She showed up well before 2:30. Her complete disregard for any life I might want to have outside of foster care frustrates me beyond belief!! I had not planned on being away for that long after their arrival home.)

Nevertheless, I came home and things smoothed out a little. I also allowed the cherubs to turn on the TV. That lessened any interactions that would cause more tears.

However, at 5:00PM the TV went off and dinner went on the table. In the 5 minute transition all Hell broke loose. Bart went off the deep end. Sitting here just an hour later, I don't even remember what started it. All I remember is telling him to leave the dining room (where he was supposed to be setting the table) to go to the guest room to cool off.

As I rounded the corner I saw Bart laying in the hallway (instead of being in the guest room as directed). I told him to move into the guest room. He screamed at me, "I don't want us to adopt Dude and Dolly. I don't even like them!!"

His words cut me deep. I still ache because of what he said.

I took him into the guest room. I held him close to me. He said he's never wanted to adopt them. Not at all. He just didn't want to say anything because he didn't want to hurt our feelings.

It took everything I had to validate his feelings and not call him out on the bloody lies. Because in that moment, he was speaking truth. Even I find it "easier" when the cherubs are in Dallas. And none of us like re-entry!

But damn...what do I do now?!

I told Bart that we would probably have to start seeing a counselor. He said he doesn't know what he'd say to them. I told Bart the counselor would be for ME but we both would go.

I told Bart that we are NOT going back on what we've started. I reminded him that children don't get to choose when their parents want to procreate...he's not going to choose whether or not we adopt.

He claimed it's because of the money we've spent.

I said, "ABSOLUTELY NOT!!" It has nothing to do with money and everything to do with my heart, the babies' hearts and promises we've made.

Bart acknowledged that it's not safe for them in Dallas. He knows we are the best option. Even he seemed a little shaken by the words that escaped his mouth.

I still don't know for sure what to do. I don't want to sweep this under the carpet. Even though I know it was said in haste, and it's likely not even close to the truth, I feel I should do something.

What do you think?


Foster Mom - R said...

I think you did the right thing. Took care of the kid who needed you most in that moment. Maybe he was preempting the chaos that he knows typically happens. And maybe the fear that he does love them and they could be taken from him too. I think the counseling is a good idea either way. You guys have such a hard road you are on. I'd also hive home the chance to talk about it in a bit because his guilt might eat him up.

schnitzelbank said...

I think he's scared about all the emotional ups n downs, and the big "What If?" I can imagine he's frustrated about the energy they bring/take, and scared to get attached, in case they go. Reassure him that love doesn't just turn on and off. That you follow thru on promises. And you promise to be there for him, too. Maybe you two need one on one time together-- therapy is a good idea, but just having some fun time alone with him is good, too (Mr. amazing hopefully will do that, too).

Designs by DD said...

I don't know if you've read this blog but I find her words very encouraging. Praying blessing for your family.

MamaFoster said...

back when my first foster was having visits (more frequently that this, but they were whole weekend ones), I got to the point where I was that big of a mess! I was totally ready to just hand her over to them so that the visits would quit ruining our sunday night/monday mornings! I remember how overwhelmed I was and how I JUST WANTED THEM TO BE OVER WITH.

i would just give him a chance to talk about it again with you. that is all you can do.