Friday, December 6, 2013

When I get mad, I yell at God

We decorated the house for Christmas tonight. Bart put on the pink Santa hat so he could remember Dolly. Emotion was high when the ornament with our family picture on it from last year was pulled from the box. It was hard for me to be happy when it felt like two members of my family were missing. I didn't handle things well. I'm not a huge fan of decorating on the best of years. But I was more bratty tonight than normal.

My God is amazing though. He loves me no matter what – even if I'm a brat while decorating for His holiday.

And that's a good thing. Because tonight, as soon as we were done decorating, I had it out with Him again.

I simply do not understand what I'm supposed to be "doing".
And I'm not much for sitting around waiting.

God was very clear when it came time to intervene in the case with Dude & Dolly. We obeyed and hired a lawyer. Despite the chaos, I had a peace about things.

He was very clear a miracle was going to be worked on September 23. I do not know what that miracle was. My children were taken from me abruptly. And honestly, I'm OK not knowing what the miracle was. But it sure would be nice if I could see the full picture. Maybe God put someone in place in Dallas. Maybe God built Grandma up to a place where she wants the cherubs. I do not know. But I was told a miracle would happen and I have to trust that it did.

When the time came to decide whether we were going to stay "in" or drop "out" of the case, I didn't get much of an answer from God. In fact, He seemed quite distant. But at no time did I feel I was going against anything when we decided to be done.

Then we got the call for Daisy. Both my husband and I knew we were supposed to say yes. After we did, we both were told that He was pleased. In fact, almost immediately we each sensed that Daisy would not be coming to us but the whole point of getting the call was to see if we would obey and say yes.

But what are we supposed to do?
  • Do we keep making the phone calls?
  • Do we stay in the case?
  • Should still be trying to advocate for Dude & Dolly? If so, what does that look like? I feel so helpless and so far away.
  • Are we supposed to be taking new kids?
  • Is it OK to close our home and stop fostering?
  • Or are we supposed to find a cherub or two that is waiting for adoption?
So I had it out with God. I wish He would just send me a fax or something. Drop me a line. Give me a clue. Because I'm tired of hurting. I want my kids back and I just don't think it's going to happen. I just want to do what He wants me to do. And right now, I've got no idea what that is. And waiting around simply sucks.


Stacy said...

We are in a season of waiting too and it hit me like a ton of bricks last night. Advent is all about waiting...waiting for Jesus to be born. I keep thinking about Mary and Joseph and thier waiting. I would imagine they second guessed a time or two between when the angels told them each about Mary being pregnant and when jesus was born. That would have been a really long 9 months but they stayed faithful. I encouage you to continue to wait and trust. Its hard. I know.

G said...

Love what Stacy said about this being the time to wait.

But, really, I get what you're saying. Sometimes I yell at God, too; I figure he can handle it. When I do, I usually ask things like "Where's my burning bush? Where's my angel to tell me exactly what's going to happen?" (I don't usually get an answer to those questions either...)

Hang in there.

Foster Mom - R said...

The waiting sucks. BUT when the answer is revealed it's usually pretty cool. God works in Miraculous ways. Continued prayer for you and your family.