Thursday, April 24, 2014

The Weight

When I'm stressed out, it's almost like I've gone to the closet and pulled out a weighted compression vest to wear. It pushes on my chest and it hurts. It physically hurts.

Sometimes I wonder what it's like to not walk around with that vest on all the time.

Because try as I might, I cannot seem to stop internalizing the pain I feel for my foster kids. The logical part of my brain says to let it go. My brain knows not to get caught up in the loop of worry. But it happens.

Am I the only one that does that???
If she says this...then I'll say this.
If the caseworker does this...then I'll respond with this.
If the judge says this...then I'll say this. But if they say this...then I'll say this.
It's insane! It's all to try and do the best I can for my kids. But it's perfectly insane!

I recognize that those worry loops aren't from God. Satan wants me to get caught up in them. Often they make me mad and Satan would much prefer that I stay mad at Bio Mom rather than extend her any grace.

Over the years I've learned how to step out of those loops. I believe ('cause some pastor sometime told me so) that Satan can't read your mind. So I will audibly say, "Satan, go away! I am taking my thoughts captive." Then I ask for the Holy Spirit to come to me and fill that void. Sometimes I have to do it several times. But I'm usually able to get out of those loops of worry, anger and frustration.

But there are still times during the day where I hurt from the stress of the situation. It started for me this morning. I wasn't worried about going to the doctor with Bio Mom yesterday. I wasn't stressed right away this morning. I didn't even feel the pain on the drive there. But once I graced the doorstep of the office hit me hard!! And it was so hard to snap out of the loop.
If Mom says this about the eczema...I'll say this.
If Mom asks about the seizure last week
that I didn't tell her about (I told Mr. CW)...I'll say this.
If Mom says something about foster parenting in general...I'll say this.
If Mom says this...I'll say this.
And then she didn't show.

The tension built and I couldn't seem to shake it. Of course it didn't help when the nurse told me about Bio Mom coming back for the private meeting with the doctor. So many more worry loops ran through my mind. Should I say something to the doctor? Should I tell Bio Mom I know? Should I say something to Mr. CW? Over and over I tossed conversations around in my head. Bigger and bigger the pain in my chest got.

I took deep breaths. I prayed. I tried to let it go. The logical part of my brain knew the stress wasn't necessary. Everything was exactly the same at 10:30 this morning as it was at 9:30 this morning.

But then TT decided to join the stress party. He's been playing with Mr. Wonky for about a week now. I had to help him regulate when I was having a hard time regulating myself.

We made it through. TT calmed down. I stopped hanging out in the loop.

But then, because...well..why not?!...I jumped into a new loop.

Ricky has a banquet tonight. First he was going to go. Then he wasn't going to go. Then he decided to go. And he called me from school yesterday to ask me if I could take his suit to the cleaners. My day was cram packed yesterday. I didn't make it up to his room to try and locate said suit that needed cleaning. And when he got home from school he didn't go get his suit and bring it to me so I spaced off taking it to the cleaners last night.

He brought it to me this morning.
We all know how my morning went.

So I started worrying - completely unnecessarily - about the stupid suit.

The banquet isn't a full formal event. Yes, it's being held at a hotel in a banquet room. Yes, Ricky needs to dress nice. But a three-piece suit certainly isn't required.

But I felt bad. I knew his suit needed to be cleaned a few weeks ago. But I never told Ricky specifically to bring it to me to get it cleaned.

But Ricky has a driver's license. Ricky has a bank account. Ricky knows that I'll transfer money into his account for stuff like this. I do it all the time. Ricky never took his suit to be cleaned either.

But Ricky's just a kid. He's never been responsible for stuff like this ever. I should have done it for him.

But he doesn't need the suit. He'll be OK.

But he wanted the suit. I should have cleaned the suit.

And on and on I looped.


I just want to do right by my kids.


Daisy's Bio Mom didn't say anything to me at the visit drop-off or pick-up. I didn't say anything to her either. It's just easier that way.

Ricky was polite like always. He said it's fine he doesn't have his suit. He'll wear his khakis.

And I'm going to go put on nice clothes and get ready to leave in just a few.


Hopefully that weighted vest will stay in the closet tonight. I'm tired.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I completely understand what you are saying about getting caught up in the worry loop. I have often felt that I live my life with a series of "if...then"s. I am always trying to stay one step ahead, so that I am not caught by surprise. Victory over worry is a hard battle to fight. I have Matthew 6:34 posted throughout my house. "So don’t worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today’s trouble is enough for today."