Monday, June 16, 2014

Praying for grace

With court coming next week for Daisy, I've been praying over her case in a new way. Because it's likely that Daisy will go home, I've prayed for God to show me His grace.

I know that God loves me.

And somehow, I have to know and accept that God loves Daisy's bio mom
just as much as he loves me.

So I've been praying for Him to show me this and help me love her too.

It hasn't been easy.

But today, at the visit drop-off, something changed.
OK...I really need to give her a blog name...
I'm tired of calling her Bio Mom...Let's call her Kori.
At drop-off, Kori was different!

Somehow the topic got on Daisy's flappy hand. Kori said, "Ya know, when it was just the two hour visits most of the time I thought she was just excited or happy. But after having her all day yesterday, well, I can tell it's not normal."

No Cheshire Cat grin. No absent look in her eyes. She said it and she meant it.

Little steps.

The visit today was short due to a scheduling conflict with the supervising agency. I came back after two hours to pick Daisy up.

The conversation continued.

We talked a LOT about Daisy. About her limitations. About what kind of medical care she needs. About her progress. But really, we talked most about the injury.

Kori listened. She asked good questions. She made eye contact. She got emotional appropriately. She didn't tune out.

Kori has done EVERYTHING the State has asked of her and then some. She has taken classes they didn't tell her to take. She comes to all the visits. She's even got an appointment scheduled with Daisy's lawyer later on this week. Kori wants her daughter home.

And for the first time today, I wanted it for her too.

I told Kori I want to stay a resource in her life should Daisy go back home to her. I didn't get ahead of myself and give her my phone number or address or anything. But I reached out an olive branch.

I have hope. Maybe Daisy will be OK.

Toward the end of the conversation Kori said, "I just want to have access to all the doctors. I want to know if what Bio Dad says happened could have caused all this. He's told the story tons of times and it's the same every time." She fell short of saying that she still completely believes him. She stopped herself and said, "Oh...I talk too much."

I looked at Kori and didn't hold back. I said, "The doctors will tell you that the damage inside Daisy's brain is not compatible with the story Bio Dad gives. In fact, the doctors will tell you that the shaking most likely happened more than one time."

We continued to converse. Kori didn't shut down. I still have hope.

But she still believes Bio Dad and his story...and that scares me.


kate said...

So glad there is progress and a measure of peace.

Serendipity Mama said...

The power of prayer!! 😉🙏
What is your FB name?

Cherub Mamma said...

There's also a link to my FB in the upper right of this blog page.

silk and purple said...

Sadly, there is lots of medical evidence to both support and refute BioMom's convictions. SBS has come under huge re-evaluation since 2011 (as I'm sure you know). In the kinds of circles BioMom likely travels in (she is clearly educated enough to refuse vaccinations, in that "educated and wary of mainstream medicine" way -- N.B. I consider those people to be misguided and anti-science, but it does suggest a certain level of engagement and education to have gone against the brainless mainstream like that) -- in her kinds of circles, SBS is seen as basically a spurious diagnosis. Unfortunately that opinion is backed by some of the biggest early SBS advocates in neuroscience, who have since changed their opinions as more studies on the nature of brain injuries have come out.

So I can see how she could be receiving seemingly strong support for her refusal to believe that Daisy's injuries resulted from a one-time incident of abuse.

To this end, I would not place too much emphasis on "the doctor is God, the doctors will tell you what really happened" lines of conversation. People like that distrust mainstream medicine. They don't vaccinate, they don't eat low-fat anymore, they don't believe in Big Pharma, they devour articles about newer research that disproves older research since that validates their distrust of the current research.

Cherub Mamma said...

Kori seems educated. At first I got the impression that the anti-vaccine thing was just a "thing". But now, after talking to her extensively for two days, I do think it is something she really has thought through on her end. I don't agree with her. But she has educated herself to be able to back up her beliefs.

She spent a lot of time trying to ask me today though if I thought the anti-seizure medication was necessary. I explained what I know of the medication and why Daisy is on it. But I'm no neurologist. (And Dr. BrainMan is lousy at explaining things like that.) My gut tells me that Daisy would be having plenty of seizures if it weren't for the medication she's on. The results of the 12-hr EEG show enough minor abnormalities ON the medication that I'm sure it'd be worse OFF the medication.

Which brings me full circle to how I originally felt about Kori. She doesn't want to believe the level of damage inside Daisy's head is as bad as it is.

She questioned how far behind Daisy is with her language development today. Again I had to tell her that Daisy functions at the level of a six month old child. I don't think Kori fully grasps how significant that is when chronologically Daisy is 13.5 months old.

You cannot do that level of brain damage to a child by dropping them. If you could, almost every child on the planet would be brain damaged.

There are bruises on Daisy's brain. She has brain atrophy. She has movement in her limbs that can be called cerebral palsy.

As much as it is apparent that Kori detests modern medicine, she does want a doctor to explain this all away for her. But I haven't met a doctor yet that has treated Daisy that would be able to do such a thing.

Since it is highly possible that Daisy will go home, I tried more than anything to help Kori see the significance of the therapies. I said that the neurologist and the pediatrician aren't going to "do" much for Daisy. It's going to be the PT, OT and ST that Daisy receives. Then I took it farther and stressed that it's not really even the actual PT, OT and ST that count. It's going to be what SHE does with Daisy day in and day out that will determine how well Daisy can heal.

I don't want to focus on the doctors. You're right. Kori doesn't trust them.

But someone has to make sure Kori understands how important those therapies/exercises/stimulation/etc. are to Daisy's overall development. Every therapist Daisy has credits her progress to our involvement at home. I shudder to think what will happen to Daisy if Kori stops it all.

r. said...

I want to add to silk and purple's comment that in the legal field, there has also been a huge re-evaluation of shaken baby syndrome. Some old convictions have even been overturned. I'm not an expert by any means. My memory (and it's vague) is that it turns out that (1) some symptoms that were once thought to point to SBS and only SBS are not in fact unique to SBS, and (2) some symptoms can take longer to appear than originally thought (meaning that it wasn't necessarily the last person in contact with the child who caused the damage, which is something juries had been told). Again, that's just my recollection of the articles I've read, so not 100% sure I got it right.

Is she still with BioDad? To me that would be the most important question (that and whether she appreciates the severity of her baby's developmental issues).

r. said...

Edit: Maybe "huge" was too strong a word to describe the re-evaluation in the legal field. I don't know how big it really is. But there definitely has been some re-evaluation.

Cherub Mamma said...

Interestingly enough, Daisy's lawyer is also a criminal defense attorney. She doesn't work with CPS exclusively. She's got a conservative look toward SBS cases.

I've heard what happened to Daisy from doctors (I read the medical reports from the hospital), from social workers and from Daisy's mom herself. Bio Dad admits to shaking Daisy. He just claims it was only to get her to "come to" when she passed out after "falling" to the floor. He then claims that he started CPR and was "doing it wrong". Kori wants desperately to believe that story. She doesn't offer up any other way that Daisy could have been hurt though. She just says she believes Bio Dad and his story.

Physically, they are not together. Bio Dad moved out. Emotionally though, they are still together. Kori would go back to him in a heartbeat if it were legal to do so. She's coming around when it comes to understanding the severity of Daisy's developmental issues. But she refuses to accept how they happened.

Annie said...

Coincidentally, was just listening to a scientific program about lying. One sign of a lie actually is telling the story just the same way every time, not adding new details, or questioning the timing or details.