Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Two years ago

Two years ago, Dude and Dolly left me to be placed with a grandma that they barely knew. A grandma that had proven wasn't going to provide a safe environment. A grandma that had done NOTHING to get to know these kids in the 27 months they were with us.

My heart was ripped from me completely.

There were about 5.5 hours between when we got out of court and when CPS came to get the kids to fly them across the state. (One hour of that was spent driving back from court to our house. Another 30 minutes of that time was spent picking up TT and Bart from a babysitter.)

Sometimes foster care really sucks.

I've gained hundreds more Facebook followers since Dude and Dolly left. Most people probably don't even know their story. Please know I don't take foster care lightly. I don't believe that I am better than the bio family or that reunification is always a bad thing. But Dude and Dolly were MY kids. Their mom abandoned them and their grandma never really WANTED them. Their story was supposed to end differently.

Bits of Dude and Dolly are still all over my house. A bracelet turned up in a box of toys just last week. It's been sitting on my desk making me sad ever since.

Dolly turns 8 years old tomorrow. She's in 2nd grade. Dude is 6 and in 1st grade. I have to force myself to think of them as being older. Time seemed to almost stop when they left. I'd give anything to see a picture of them now.

Sometimes I honestly can't believe we're still doing foster care when I think about how bad I hurt after they left. When Daisy and Ricky came, I felt guilty. Like moving on was somehow not honoring Dude and Dolly. (Or something like that. Words fail me.) And now that we've got the babies, I'm a whole mix of crazy emotions. Dolly would have been entirely smitten beyond belief to have babies in the house!

Today is a rough day. Yet, I have moved on and it doesn't hurt as bad as I thought it was going to. They will always have my heart though. Always.

6 comments:

Foster Mom - R said...

I've been thinking of you since this morning when I saw my past Facebook posts and one was asking for prayers on that day. I pray they are loved where they are. And I pray that your family's heart continues to heal from the trauma of that day.

MamaFoster said...

I can echo every feeling. I know how bad it hurts. I am so sorry.

Pam H. said...

Your post brought me to tears. Thank you so much for sharing this.

What amazes me the most though is that you were able to turn around and do it again with more children. You and all the foster parents are such a special group of people. You all are such a blessing.

Lucy said...

I have been reading your blog for quite some time and will never forget precious Dude and Dolly and the heartbreak you endured. I deeply admire your perseverance and willingness to open your heart up again after living through (and still carrying) such pain. Have you been able to find anything out about Dude and Dolly via Facebook?

Cherub Mamma said...

No, I've never been able to keep up with any of Dude and Dolly's family online. Their mother is in the Houston area but has no contact with any of her kids (Dude, Dolly, and Baby Zippy). She doesn't post too often on FB but when she does it's duck-faced selfies.

Grandma N in Dallas has a FB as do several of her children. Most of them have public pages. But no matter the stalking I do on their pages, I never see mention of Dude and Dolly anywhere. (Grandma NEVER posts anything though!)

I haven't talked to Great Grandma P in a long time. And I'm now FB friends with a maternal aunt of the cherubs. But she rarely posts either.

I just pray that Dolly gets on FB herself when she's older. She has a VERY, VERY unique name so I'm hoping I can locate her and make contact later. Dude's name is crazy common so I'll only find him if he's connected to Dolly or other family I stalk.

abrianna said...

I have been thinking about them too and wondering if you had any news of them.